It’s not me, it’s your projection!

Are we looking at the same world? (photo by Moriah Diamond)

Let’s talk about projection.  It is a concept from Freudian psychology that I didn’t quite grok back in college – until I gained extensive personal experience in the past few years.  One day I finally realized that I see the world through my eyes, my chemical reactions, and my own internal interpretations of the objects surrounding me.  On top of that, I can judge an object as “good” or “bad” based on how my own psyche painted the world.  What was more interesting is that I found myself labeling people as “judgmental”, “controlling”, or “cold-hearted” because that’s how I often behaved.

Hmmm… Interesting…

So what is projection exactly?  After her father’s death, Anna Freud refined the theory of projection by the addition of Melanie Klein’s new school thought of the nature of defense.  Both Anna Freud and Melaine Klein focused on child developmental psychoanalysis similar to Erik Erikson.  They have found that during the phase of moral development in children, projection is a normal process within a healthy psychological defense system.  However, as we mature into adulthood, this defense mechanism worked to cover up unpleasant self-criticism can later become an overly rigid coping mechanism that keeps us away from sensing the truth of reality.

In Anna Freud’s The Ego and the Mechanisms of Defense (1966), she pointed out that the ego’s desire is to save itself from unpleasant experiences, therefore it uses the outside world as a source of interest to avoid introspection.  The ego denies reality and lives in its own virtual reality.  To cope, the ego finds an external source to blame instead of taking responsibilities.  For example, instead of admitting that I am judgmental, I project my judgment onto someone else and label that person as judgmental.  This way, I don’t have to face my own weakness, on the contrary I can hide and blame someone else for being the thing I dislike the most in myself.  It is safer to see the faults of another than our own faults.  By projecting outward what might be painful for us to face, we can momentarily save ourselves the heartache of seeing the truth – in the short run.

In order to truly heal our pain, we must take note of our projections and see that this form of denial no longer serves us in the long run.  Nowadays whenever I blame someone else for being critical or judgmental and become bend out of shape about it, I often look within myself to see if my ego is actually projecting my judgment outward so I don’t have to deal with the uncomfortableness of my own healing.  When this happens, the internal chatters of my ego block the truth of reality and create its own fantasy world of what is “right” and what is “wrong”.  This takes me away from my current experience and drags me into the fantasy “reality” created by my ego.  The ego is not bad, it is just scared.  It is too scared to be made wrong or being not good enough.  It is really a child who needs the most love and attention.  So don’t be mad at the “ego tricks” but recognize it and transform the fear with love.  I often have a heart to heart conversation with my ego and address all the insecurities within.  By honestly facing my own darkness, I can then allow the light to glow brightly.

So the next time when you find yourself blaming someone else for being the thing you dislike, check within yourself to see if you are using projection to deny healing.  Recongize it, pay attention to it, and embrace it.  Have a heart to heart loving conversation with the scared ego.  You have the power to heal your life by transforming the ego’s fear with your unconditional love.

Live, laugh, and prosper!

I feared, until…

I feared life until I experienced its beauty...

I found this poem a while ago, posted it on FaceBook, and have gotten lots of great feedback on how helpful it has been for many.  So here it is again.

I have no idea who the author is.  If you know, please let me know!

Enjoy…

Savor…

& Share…

By the way, as I stood in line to pick up my dinner at Taste of Thai in Del Mar tonight, I over heard someone say “fear is a natural reaction of moving closer to the truth.”  So enjoy your fear and be thankful for your upcoming enlightenment!

I feared, until…

I feared being alone until I learned to like myself.

I feared failure until I realized that I only fail when I don’t try.

I feared success until I realized that I had to try in order to be happy with myself.

I feared people’s opinions until I learned that people would have opinions about me anyway.

I feared rejection until I learned to have faith in myself.

I feared pain until I learned that it’s necessary for growth.

I feared the truth until I saw the ugliness in lies.

I feared life until I experienced its beauty.

I feared death until I realized that it’s not an end, but a beginning.

I feared my destiny, until I realized that I had the power to change my life.

I feared hate until I saw that it was nothing more than ignorance.

I feared love until it touched my heart, making the darkness fade into endless sunny days.

I feared ridicule until I learned how to laugh at myself.

I feared growing old until I realized that I gained wisdom every day.

I feared the future until I realized that life just kept getting better.

I feared the past until I realized that it could no longer hurt me.

I feared the dark until I saw the beauty of the starlight.

I feared the light until I learned that the truth would give me strength.

I feared change, until I saw that even the most beautiful butterfly had to undergo a metamorphosis before it could fly.

The Snowball Effect

Small things can add up to be too big to handle...

I told a white lie.  It was best to agree with her when she’s feeling down, so I thought.  I held her hand and lied.  I couldn’t possibly tell her the truth.  It would devastate her.  And besides such a small lie is too harmless to be noticed.

Well, life is never that simple, is it?  Of course the little lie I told somehow had to be covered up in layers of other lies and before I had a chance to correct my course, a huge snowball was rolling down the hill full speed and I have nowhere to hide…

Great.  Just what I needed.  Another mess I’ve created for being too nice.  Seems as if whenever I want to make things right, something would back fire and show me what I thought was best is often not what’s actually best.

How much needless suffering has gone into building layers and layers of covering to conceal the original lie?  I can’t help to think perhaps the best way is to just tell the truth from the beginning.  Maybe it is not the most comfortable thing to do but it will save us a lot of trouble later on.

If the core is pure then no layers will ever need to be added to hide what’s real, right?

What if we can simply speak the truth from the beginning?  What if we can be honest with one another?  Are you willing?  I think I’m going to give it a go.

The Secret Price of Blame

It is always someone else's fault!

“It’s all his fault that I’m bankrupt!”

“He is so insensitive to my needs…”

“She triggered my pain with her speech, what a bitch!”

“I wish he would move away so I could be free!”

“She messed up so my job is in jeopardy…”

“If my parents weren’t so awful, I would have been more successful!”

How often do we hear ourselves blaming others for the “misfortune” that just happened to us?  If you don’t blame, I’m sure you have someone in your life who is always blaming the whole world for his or her misfortunes that contributed to endless miseries.  “Only if someone else behaved the way I wanted them to, then I will be happy, rich, and free!”

Well, unfortunately it doesn’t really work that way.  Let’s take a look at Blame Accounting 101.

First of all, when you are blaming someone else, who has the power?  The OTHER PERSON!  You are buying into the belief that he or she is holding the key to your sanity, your happiness, and your power.  So you have given away all of your power to purchase the right to be mad at someone else.

Second, when you are blaming someone else, who is hurting?  YOU!  You are bathing in the toxicity of anger, resentment, and unjustified circumstances.  You might secretly hope that the other person might hurt because you are mad at them.  Guess what?  Most likely they will not even know that they have done anything “wrong” at all.  So once again, you pay handsomely for the energy drain you personally installed.

Third, what if we didn’t play the blame game at all?  Well, you are still paying a secret price even if you don’t participate.  We say things or act in ways that is true to us.  So sometimes when we are walking down the street, we might bump into someone’s wound unintentionally.  Does that mean we all have to walk on egg shells and stay far away from one another in order to not trigger anyone?  NO!  We are meant to have divine appointments with one another.  Sometimes we are called by the universe to act a certain way or say a certain thing that will bring up pain in someone else’s psyche.  It is all part of the divine matrix.  Only by facing the pain head on, then true healing can finally take place in the heart.  So if you decide to not play the blame game at all, you are still paying a price – the price of none contribution.  When you are walking on egg shells trying hard not to trigger anyone, you are not living authentically and at the same time you are out of integrity.  AND the other person is paying the price staying comfortably in ignorant land.

Sounds like a catch 22?  Well, there is a way out.

So for those of us who still blame others every once in a while, be thankful instead.  Thank those who trigger us for bringing the gift of honesty, the gift of growth, and the gift of healing.  Even at times we are not ready to admit the gift in our pain consciously, deep within us, our spirit is thankful for the opportunity to heal.

For those of us who get blamed, be compassionate toward the blamers.  They are only crying out in pain for our love and understanding.  Instead of becoming self-righteous, give them the space to gain a sense of clarity before even thinking about jumping into judgment.  Walk away, allow them the space to heal and send loving prayers for their journey.  It is best to be there for them in loving spirit and assist their growth out of sight until they are ready to come back to us again.

Remember, be true to your integrity, take responsibilities, and always choose love.  Good luck on your spiritual journey and be mindful of the energetic prices we pay in life.  Be compassionate to yourself as well as to others.  And don’t forget to SMILE!

Lotus Purity

"Birthing from the muddy corruption yet it's purity is untouched" - the courageous choice of a Lotus. ©Bahman Farzad / lotusflowerimages.com

A lotus flower begins its journey underneath layers of pond.  Its insignificant birth has been covered with darkness, impurity and hardship.  The flower bud was soaked in layers of marshy, mucky, dirty, sometimes smelling mud.  As the bud comes closer and closer to the surface of the pond and begins to open, it blooms layer by layer – shedding away the old, opening to the new, while presenting its true self.  Unafraid, this beauty reveals the purity of self, its spotless clarity, and its innermost essence.

Just like the lotus flower, our environment can sometimes seem extremely difficult, toxic and filled with darkness.  It does not always seem ideal to make us into the beautiful, pure, confident beings we are meant to be.  Yet somehow we can not escape from the mud we bathe in…  We ask ourselves what is the purpose of all this hardship and what is the purpose of our pain?  Can our “toxic” muddy water really supply us the nutrients that we need?  Is it possible that we are growing stronger and brighter because of our “toxic” environment?

The lotus flower grows from the muddy water of impurities and draws nutrient from its “toxic” environment.  Day after day, it finds courage within when greeted by darkness with-out.  Day after day, it finds the strength within to make the choice to keep on growing with-out…  When the flower finally opens, it touches us with its gentleness, beauty and love…  Simply miraculous indeed!  Looking back, the lotus flower took on the muddy water as a contrast of its untouchable beauty after seemingly endless struggle and doubt – yet it prevails with such stunning purity and inspiring awe…

“The lotus flower resides on top of a muddy pond yet its beauty is uncorrupted and its calmness undisturbed,” mother smiled tenderly, “isn’t that a rare flower?”