Finding Inner Stability

Is your personal will leading you walking into walls? Your inner stability can give you the strength to be flexible and still be who you are.

Monday I was in the flow. Everything was moving so smoothly until…a sword came down abruptly and stopped me in mid-breath. I was traveling in a forbidden direction and someone in authority had to stop me in time before things got out of control. As if I was gasping for air, I had to find a way to take the next breath. Instead of respectfully walk away, I choose to push through. I came head to head and wanted to overthrow his decision…

Needless to say it didn’t work very well in the end. The energy created in conflict was poison enough to kill any bystander hours after.

So what really happened?

On the first layer of things, it seems as if I have a really deep issue following directions from an authority figure. This is true some of the times. I have often stood up to challenge individuals in power – especially when they use it unjustly (in my perception). Ever since I was a child I have always gotten in trouble in school for talking back to teachers. I never backed down when a teacher makes an exaggeration or plainly gives the incorrect answer. At work I kept my boss on his toes and I was relentlessly open to discuss any of his faulty assumptions. In MBA school my behavior was valued and even celebrated. But later in life my natural instinct to challenge individuals in authority has not always worked out in the best interest of the whole.

There is another layer as I looked deeper within. I was emotionally invested in my directions. Abandoning what I started never sat well with me. If I started something I intend to finish it. And I always thought the fastest way from A to B is a straight line. And I have always made plans by following such imaginary lines. Unwavering to my goal is how I show my strength to the external world even when I’m unsure on the inside. This is merely a mirage of the personal will – it too is an illusion. Often times projects are canceled, people move away and things must be redirected. Direction itself is rarely a straight line, the path itself always contains curves and turns.

Now getting to the core of it all, the reason I was even shaken up by the sudden “sword-cut” is because within myself I did not have a strong inner stability. Yes, I was in the flow, yet I was taken by the flow instead of being deeply rooted in my core and dancing with the flow. The reason a willow tree is able to dance in the wind is because of its deeply grounded roots. It does not care if the wind suddenly changes directions, the leaves will happily move with the vibration of the moment. It knows a change in direction of the wind cannot sweep it away. It knows its own flexibility will not allow it to snap. As for me at that moment, I was far from being a willow tree, I was not grounded in my core and I certainly did not have a willingness to be flexible on top of that. So I snapped. I felt as if the ground was being pulled underneath my feet and I could no longer regain my footing.

So how do we look at this incident from an elevated perspective?

“In many ways we’re taught to be in a constant state of friction with, to be in battle with what is. To Tell ourselves–to tell life–that it shouldn’t be the way that it is is a type of insanity. This insanity destabilizes us. It’s a bit like going up to a brick wall, telling it that shouldn’t be there, and then continuing to walk into it. Every time you bump your head on it, you judge the brick wall for being there, and then you walk into it again, again bumping your head. Then you say it shouldn’t be there, at which point you condemn yourself for the pain you have in your head. It’s a kind of insanity to be constantly arguing with what is. It’s a way that we keep bumping into life. When we collide with life in this way, we always feel interior friction, and we can never find the inner stability for which we yearn.”

In order to raise above this level of thinking “open-mindedness allows you to embrace the nature of your experience. And this is when you start to discover a type of inner stillness, an inner stability, that vast unchanging expanses that is at the heart of [who you are]… When we open to life in this way, we begin to find an inner stability simply because we’re no longer at odds with our experience. At any moment we come into an argument with our experience – an argument with life – we can look and see if it actually leads to peace, if it actually makes sense, or if it actually simply leads to discord and conflict. We then begin to find this silence, and we find ground in this silence, which is very stabilizing. There’s a sense of homecoming, a sense of ‘ahhhh, I’m finally in alignment with what’s happening.’”

The above is a very long quote from Falling into Grace by Adyashanti that has helped me to gain a stronger inner stability. It is a wonderful reminder that “it’s not so much that we need to change ourselves, but rather it is our relationship with our experience that needs to shift, where our perception of conflict can naturally fall away on its own. In the end, that’s all spiritual freedom is: a simple seeing of self, of life, as it actually is. All we have to do for that to happen is to begin to see that all of the various ways that we argue with existence, although they may seem very reasonable at times, can only lead to suffering and conflict.”

So what ended happening? He pointed out to me later that I was invested in conflict along with a bag of other observations. Unhappy to hear what could be the truth, I did lots of self-examination and found – I blamed the wall for being there when I could have simply adjusted my direction. In the past I have celebrated the times when an authority figured backed down and yield to my way, but today I have the utter most respect for him and his unyielding character. Because of his inner strength I was able to once again find my inner stability. I am in deep gratitude for him, his sword cut and for the wall.

Today, I’m in Love

Today, I’m in love. Here are some nuggets of truth I stumbled upon while traveling on the path of self-realization – expressed through my art and micropoetry.

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taming the ego…clarity I see…stunning true nature…set free

Awakening Dawn, mixed media on canvas by Flo Li

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allow my love…penetrate your core…burning gentle passion…dazzling aflame

Red Rose of Love, photography by Flo Li

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miraculous radiance…hidden dark nights…protecting a secret…atonement birthing sunlight

Secrets of the Dark Night, oil on canvas by Flo Li

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lick me…she says…not my body but my soul…craving your gentle kisses deep inside I grow

Femme Glow, fractal art by Flo Li

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Today, I’m in LOVE. Let’s share. May the Love of Truth set you free~! Namaste.

The Only Way Out is Down

Don't see a way out? The only way out is down...toward the CORE

“The Only Way Out is Down.” - Sanctum, by James Cameron

I’m usually draw to action adventures where the hero has to face impossible challenges in order to find the grace of freedom. In this story about cave diving, a group of explorers found themselves trapped in an unexplored cave unable to escape from the way-in due to an unpredictable storm. The entranced was sealed shut and the cave quickly filled up with water. With only limited numbers of SCUBA equipment, they were forced to share breathing devices and dive-down deeper into the unexplored caves – hoping to find a way out…

James Cameron always has a way to bring psychological depth to a seemingly simple story to inspire a viewer’s internal dialog towards one’s spiritual freedom. In a way, in this movie I saw myself.

I often find the path of spirituality consists many dead-ends, not to mention you can never go back through the way you came in. If you were lucky enough to taste the absolute clarity of enlightenment once, you have probably been lured in by an addictive force to seek that clarity again and again – each time falling deeper down into a darker abyss. Like the cave explorers, draw to an invisible force to explore uncharted territories. Spiritual teachers will often tell you the benefits of a spiritual practice in terms of “better health”, “mental clarity”, “inner bliss” and so on, sounding like only positives will come through the journey. But they often omit the best part of the story – encountering the demons along the way.

I’m here to tell you a different story – the hidden dangers await – like Sanctum. If you have not stepped in too deep yet you might want to turn back. If you have lingered a little too long, like me, the way-in has already been sealed shut, so instead of struggling and beating down the way-in thinking it is still the way out (or often in the movies die a painful death), it is now time to find another way out.

The bad news is we will encounter various demons living within the cave of your subconscious mind. Like Caroline Myss suggested in her book Sacred Contracts we must face the demons without running away. We have to see them with loving, non-judgemental eyes and try to understand why they were there in the first place – usually because they have helped us and protected us in the past. Then we must face why our demons not longer serve us and now only hinder our progress – again, without judgement. Only with total honesty we can then move on to a new level of understanding. Each subconscious cave connects to another. Be aware, when you finally find some breathing space in one cave, the storm will rush in and rob you your sanctuary. The only way out is going deeper down again, into the next cave. Darkness will be experienced, so lighting a candle to help you meditate is often a good idea. Demons will come out of nowhere and attack you when you are most vulnerable (trust me, God is good at writing adventure thrillers) and if you put up a fight with your ego, you will lose (just watch the movie, the stubborn egotistical people usually die with painful bitterness), the only way out is DOWN – now courageously head to the next dark cave you go.

Every once in a while you might feel as if all the demons are gone and you got the world wrapped around your finger. If you are lucky, the blissful sanctuary won’t last, you will be forced to dive deeper down again. To be completely honest, recently I’ve been feeling as if I’m so close to become a permanent citizen of heaven, only minutes later a demon strikes again. My old bag of tricks of food and exercise addiction, finding a boyfriend to comfort me, pack up and move away no longer worked now. Interesting enough I no longer have a desire to choose them. As I listen to Adyshanti‘s guidance, I’m learning to trust this natural process of falling – falling into grace without putting up another layer of armor. A few days ago as I cried my eyes out and thought my life was over, somehow as I fell deeper down into the abyss of emptiness, entanglements within me started to untie, I was able to breathe again.

Breathe.

Freedom is near.

Breathe.

Warning: This path is not for the faint of heart. The only way out is down – down into the core.

I will meet you there.

Aikido Reference to Spiritual Meaning

Strength + Softness + Flow of Ki = Aikido

“As long as you perceive that anyone is holding you back, you have not taken full responsibility for your own liberation. Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy. When you discover yourself to be nothing but Freedom, you stop setting up conditions and requirements that need to be satisfied in order for you to be happy. It is in the absolute surrender of all conditions and requirements that Liberation is discovered to be who and what you are. Then the love and wisdom that flows out of you has a liberating effect on others.” – Adyashanti (Zen master)

Responsibility = continuous commitment on the path

Liberation = ability to move about freely, powerfully

Stand free of making demands on others and life = keep yourself balanced, free of external support as in a strong kamae

Freedom = ease in movement, not muscling through techniques but using the grace of inner strength, soft sensitivity and the flow of ki to dance through techniques

Happy = extension of energy as an expression of love

Surrender = let go expectations if a technique will work or not

Discovered = realization of how the technique has miraculous worked with NO EFFORT

Who and what you are = the technique worked because it was a part of who you are, you are ki, your ki is the universal ki

Love and wisdom that flows out of you = the expansive energy unrestrictedly expressed in all movements

Had a liberating effect on others = this is when uke took a hard fall but it didn’t hurt at all, and he stood up with a huge grin on his face!

That was something fun to share. Now re-read the first paragraph and think aikido. Cheers!

Peace Within

Feel the Buddha with you, within you...

at night
I feel alone
my breath
comforts me
I long for
the warmth
of your breath

 

don’t talk
listen
stay
breathe with me
stay
next to me

 

explore
simplicity
do nothing
stay
be with me

 

at night

I feel you
next to me
alone

 

breathing

with me
comforting

lost for
words

breathe