Heart Opening Moments

BLOG of a Spiritual Stripper

A Tipping Point

Waves of Sadness

Waves of Sadness

While sipping a cup of warm industrial coffee, staring into the barely ticking clock, I felt lazy in my layers of thick clothing.  Suddenly out of nowhere, my best friend announced that he was leaving San Diego.

Shocked, I started to feel my hands shake as my voice became the size of a dime.  Hiding in the corner under layers of protection, I faked a momentary smile and said that I was happy for him.  But all I could focus on was he won’t be around anymore.  I have grown severally attached to him.  Now I feel as if my heart was breaking into pieces.  It all came so fast that I did not know how to react.  All of a sudden the rock I stood on crumbled and nothing else in the world mattered to me.  He is the foundation that my life has built on.  The person I am today is built on that foundation.  Now my whole belief system and my whole being have been shaken.

He told me the only thing that’s holding him back is me.  I knew.  I had no better teacher than he, I had no greater motivator than he, and I had no closer friend than he.  I also knew that I have been very well trained in hiding my feelings and no matter what he said, it will not change the way I react.  I acted cold.  Perhaps this is the only way I knew how to stay strong.  I remained calm as I watched the tears forming in the corner of his eyes.  He gazed into me, grabbed onto that thread of vulnerability and gently touched me as he placed his right hand over his heart and said, “You are too good for me, and much more than what I deserve.”

I held my breath and wished he could not see the infinite weakness with overwhelming potential to take control of me.

I quickly stood up and started to walk away.  I could no longer control my emotions.  As I turned back, our long lingering glances met.  They were more than just glances – we were trying to hold on to each other.

Oh, there’s no love in my life, the moment that you go away.  There’s no night, there is no day.  The world stops turning, the clock stops ticking…”  Fitting isn’t it?  The DJ on the radio somehow knew exactly which song to use in order to push me over the edge.

I had to get out – fast.  I had to get away from him.  With the rain drops slamming into my face, I ran as fast as I could across the crowded parking lot.  As soon as I got inside my car, a wave of sadness rushed over me.  I felt the pearl sized tears streaming from the corners of my eyes gathering in my lap – turning into an endless sea.

October 28, 2005 Posted by | Tears | , , , | Leave a comment