A Deeper Connection

A deep connection between a mother and a child is timeless, effortless, and eternal...

What impact can a deeper connection create?  Why do I pull away when a gaze becomes magnetic?  What is it about intimacy that is somehow so frightening to me?

As I sensed the love flowing out of the hearts of my beloved audience, somehow, I pulled back…   They noticed.  I tried to recover my body posture and facial expression quickly but it was too late.  I lost the connection…  The feedback I got from my new friend in the audience David Stanford (actor from the TV show Monk) was exactly what I expected.  He told me he felt as if I was not being authentic and I didn’t care about my audience.  Regardless of my true intention, the way I pulled back from getting into a deeper connection made it seem as if I was disinterested in them.  I did not seem genuine and I was in my own stuff instead of being one hundred percent focused to my audience.  It was actually quite selfish of me to not give myself completely to the people I care about…

The whole night I paced around my hotel room and asked myself what happened.  Why would my natural instinct be to disconnect from love?  Why would I hide from affection?  Why would I pull back from connecting to my audience?

What is it about in-to-me-see that scares me so much?

I guess I have always felt a sense of nakedness and embarrassment when people get to know me.  The more they know me, the more uncomfortable I get…  Maybe I’ve never felt that I’m good enough, smart enough, or pretty enough…  What if they judge me?  What if they can see all of my flaws?  What if they don’t accept me for who I am?  …  What if…

As I stood on stage, knowing that all of my flaws are on display under the bright light, I had nowhere to hide…  They could see into me – the very essence of me, the flaws over me as well as all the incongruities within me.  I was displayed under a microscope and I had nowhere to hide…

BUT what if I did not NEED to hide?  What if it is okay for me to be me and for you to be you?  What if we are loved and accepted unconditionally?  If we are totally loved and accepted and safe, would we come out of our shells and be free?  Perhaps only then we can form the depth of connections we’ve always craved…

So many questions…yet I have no definite answers…  Ah…  Let’s just breathe…

Today was day 5 of Presentation and Platform Skills Training at the Christoper Howard Training Company.  This is probably one of the most intense public speaker training on the planet.  As I stood side by side with numerous world leaders and famous media personalities, I knew that somehow we are all unique in our own ways, perhaps we are not flawed at all, perhaps our “flaws” are really beloved features, and just perhaps, we are totally, completely, and unconditionally loved just the way we are…