Heart Opening Moments

BLOG of a Spiritual Stripper

A Deeper Connection

A deep connection between a mother and a child is effortless

A deep connection between a mother and a child is timeless, effortless, and eternal...

What impact can a deeper connection create?  Why do I pull away when a gaze becomes magnetic?  What is it about intimacy that is somehow so frightening to me?

As I sensed the love flowing out of the hearts of my beloved audience, somehow, I pulled back…   They noticed.  I tried to recover my body posture and facial expression quickly but it was too late.  I lost the connection…  The feedback I got from my new friend in the audience David Stanford (actor from the TV show Monk) was exactly what I expected.  He told me he felt as if I was not being authentic and I didn’t care about my audience.  Regardless of my true intention, the way I pulled back from getting into a deeper connection made it seem as if I was disinterested in them.  I did not seem genuine and I was in my own stuff instead of being one hundred percent focused to my audience.  It was actually quite selfish of me to not give myself completely to the people I care about…

The whole night I paced around my hotel room and asked myself what happened.  Why would my natural instinct be to disconnect from love?  Why would I hide from affection?  Why would I pull back from connecting to my audience?

What is it about in-to-me-see that scares me so much?

I guess I have always felt a sense of nakedness and embarrassment when people get to know me.  The more they know me, the more uncomfortable I get…  Maybe I’ve never felt that I’m good enough, smart enough, or pretty enough…  What if they judge me?  What if they can see all of my flaws?  What if they don’t accept me for who I am?  …  What if…

As I stood on stage, knowing that all of my flaws are on display under the bright light, I had nowhere to hide…  They could see into me – the very essence of me, the flaws over me as well as all the incongruities within me.  I was displayed under a microscope and I had nowhere to hide…

BUT what if I did not NEED to hide?  What if it is okay for me to be me and for you to be you?  What if we are loved and accepted unconditionally?  If we are totally loved and accepted and safe, would we come out of our shells and be free?  Perhaps only then we can form the depth of connections we’ve always craved…

So many questions…yet I have no definite answers…  Ah…  Let’s just breathe…

Today was day 5 of Presentation and Platform Skills Training at the Christoper Howard Training Company.  This is probably one of the most intense public speaker training on the planet.  As I stood side by side with numerous world leaders and famous media personalities, I knew that somehow we are all unique in our own ways, perhaps we are not flawed at all, perhaps our “flaws” are really beloved features, and just perhaps, we are totally, completely, and unconditionally loved just the way we are…

June 29, 2009 - Posted by | Inner Growth | , , , , ,


  1. Flo,
    First let me say, you write beautifully. Your comments are very thought provoking. I really enjoy public speaking, having done it for many years. But for me it is a way of achieving intimacy with a group that I can’t achieve easily with individuals. It is as if I can take them all in my arms and be energized by their thoughts. An audience can be worked, manipulated, moved in desired ways. They judge as a group, individual judgments don’t matter. But one-on-one, there is nowhere to hide from the scrutiny of the scrutiny of others and the fear of rejection, so I reject the contact.

    We are all on a continuum of quantum variations, each attribute can be anywhere on that continuum, but most of us are not that far from the center.

    Once, long before I got leukemia, I died inside, building walls of ice around my heart until I could no longer feel the pain. When the pain died, so did I. I learned that living is about the pain, but the pain is less when life is shared with the perfect partner.

    Comment by Ted Wilcox | June 29, 2009 | Reply

    • You are right, it was exactly the intimacy that I wanted with the group but there was only so much intimacy that I can handle. Thank you for being so open and honest about your feelings – it is truly inspirational!!!

      Comment by Flo Li | July 2, 2009 | Reply

  2. Hi – I’d say that this isn’t an uncommon reaction at all! Especially not amongst people who are working to develop their public speaking skills. I’d say it was a sign of your success at developing a rapport with your audience and that it’s actually ‘typical’ of people to be taken aback by that when it happens. Take it as a sign of progress and go again!

    Eventually it becomes (with luck and skill! 🙂 ) as natural a part of your presentation persona as the diaphragm breathing, the eye contact, the….

    Good luck!


    Comment by simon - presentations training UK | June 30, 2009 | Reply

    • Thanks Simon! You are right, it is just part of the journey!

      Comment by Flo Li | July 2, 2009 | Reply

  3. Susan Barkley, a voice-over and speech coach, wrote a wonderful article about this. She said that staying conscious of what the gift you are sharing with the audience keeps you engaged, and releases the self-conscious energy of worrying about being judged.

    On a personal note, I have found that asking “Why?” always keeps me stuck in the issue, and seldom illuminates the “what” that takes me another step forward on my path and toward relief of the issue. So I try to be aware, and transmute “Why did I do that?” to “What can I do now?”


    P.S. You have NO need to hide, for you are both beautiful and brilliant!

    Comment by Deanna | June 30, 2009 | Reply

    • Hmm… Nice points. Staying conscious and be in my heart instead of calculating from my head. I shall work on it!

      Comment by Flo Li | July 2, 2009 | Reply

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: