Heart Opening Moments

BLOG of a Spiritual Stripper

Finding Faith in Fractals

Day and Night

New Fractal by Flo including both elements of ying/yang, day/night, light/darkness that gave birth to the Chinese Character Enlightenment.

Sometimes life can become such a challenge I begin to question if all the struggle is indeed leading me somewhere. Today as I embarked upon another dark moment sinking deeply into chaos, I found comfort in Professor Mandelbrot’s fractal talk.

The message is simple – “there is order amid chaos.”

To me, fractals have always been fascinating since the day I held a cauliflower. As a child I’ve always looked deeply within nature to find patterns in flowers, bugs, and even clouds. Perhaps that is the reason I decided to become an engineer and have enjoyed myself tremendously while watching Brownian motions for hours at a time under a microscope. I found roughness in disorders fascinating and have always secretly believed if I look hard enough a pattern will eventually emerge.

I guess this is how I have approached life as well in this esoterically peculiar sense. Whenever trouble approached me I’ve always found faith knowing that a new orderly pattern in life will surely emerge no matter how chaotic or dark the situation might be right now. I believe that all challenges are indications of spiritual growth and all spectrums of emotions contribute to a holistic self-realization.

So today as I cleaned up after Baby Roxy, feed her, cuddled her and did everything I could to love her yet I still couldn’t be the puppy mother I had hoped to be. She acted chaotic and unpredictable. I was getting tired of watching her 24/7. I felt severally frustrated at my own ability to adjust to a 5 week old puppy. I began to question my worthiness as a mother and wasn’t sure if my secret desires of forming a family is practical. A baby is so much work and I wasn’t sure if I could handle all the unpredictabilities it brings.

As I held Baby Roxy on my lap and listening to Professor Mandelbrot speaking about the beauty amid roughness, I began to find the love amid the disorder my puppy brought into my life. A dear friend told me once “do not see a new chapter in life as an inconvenience, just like Aikido, you can learn to readjust and find your center again.” What wonderful wisdom. Feeling the warmth from Baby Roxy, I’m beginning to adjust to her needs. I’m finding joy learning the pattern underneath her seemingly chaotic behavior and thought to myself, “perhaps this learning process will indeed help me to be a good mommy.”

July 9, 2010 - Posted by | love, Self Realization | , ,

1 Comment »

  1. Flo, it is not uncommon to feel that lack of confidence in what we might be as a parent. When my son was growing up, there were many times I felt, as a single parent, I couldn’t give him all he needed. I loved him, I played ball with him…but, I wasn’t a dad. Yet, he turned into such a good man and a great dad! You, Flo, have such a loving nature…there is no doubt in my mind that you have all it takes to be a wonderful mother! Happy to see your puppy is letting you realize that. ❤

    Comment by CeCe | July 9, 2010 | Reply

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