Heart Opening Moments

BLOG of a Spiritual Stripper

Ending is a New Beginning

Ikkyu-san

Ikkyu-san was one of my first childhood loves - bashful smile, shaved head, and mischievously intelligent

An Iranian father was asked by a handsome rich doctor for his daughter’s hand in marriage. He thought it was a great idea given his daughter would live a good life with this well-mannered doctor but she said, “papa, a nice man is not enough, there are certain characteristics of him I do not care for.”

The Iranian father gave me the same advice learned from his daughter as he kindly asked for the reasons of my recent breakup. “He is a nice man but trust me everything happens for a reason. You are still young. You never know, the next man might be the one.”

A silent drop of tear snuck out as I tensed up my body to hold in my breath. I didn’t want him to see how torn I really am.

I guess I have been searching for the one since I was six years old. The moment that seven year old monk blushed as he saw the six year curious girl from the corner of his eyes during meditation, she fell in love. This six year old girl did not know of love but she was certain she wanted to spend more time with him. She was fond of him and in a silly way she felt as if only he could understand her. Soon enough she was heartbroken when he did everything he could to avoid her presence.

After 26 years I can still see the little monk’s bashful smile, shaved head, and slightly off-white robe.

Later that year as I turned seven years old I immersed myself into Ikkyu-San – the Japanese anime where Ikkyu is a little boy with a bashful smile, shaved head and a white gi who trained to be a monk at Ankokuji Temple in Japan. He is famous of being mischievous and a known troublemaker. He is extremely smart, which always helped him to get out of all sorts of sticky situations and won battles over those who are bigger and stronger. The way he pushed the mop in front of him as he ran across the endless meditation hall during his daily cleaning ritual captured the depth of my heart. I found myself choked up with tear and not knowing the reasons why.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always secretly held a longing to find the one who can once again touch the depth of my soul like Ikkyu did. Regardless the various ways I have kept my past boyfriends at an arm’s length, I couldn’t help but wonder if “he is the one” each time I fall in love. My recent ex is a dark Hawaiian surfer I met last summer. He is well-mannered and nurturing. Each time I woke up next to his smile I questioned myself if he is the one I choose to be with for the rest of my life. He wanted our fairy tale fantasy like relationship to last forever but I wasn’t sure. Some men make good boyfriends and others make good husbands. He was certainly the best boyfriend I’ve ever had but as I’m beginning to realize that my deepest desire is to be married with children, I didn’t think our lifestyles would coincide with one another. There are some characteristics of him that others might embrace but I would rather shy away from. In a way, I’m glad things have taken its natural course to end abruptly.

Looking into the living room where we shared many heart opening moments, I allowed the tears rush out as I feel the weight of such heavy murky emptiness. I am once again on my own. It feels sad yet hopeful. It is time. It is time to move on. Goodbye love. And hello life once again. The traveler walks on.

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August 25, 2010 - Posted by | Choices, Death & Rebirth, Inner Growth | , , , , , , ,

1 Comment »

  1. Flo, you write so beautifully! I think, as little girls, and later still…we all hope to find that one true love that takes our breath away, and makes us dream of our future, filled with love. I still haven’t given up (though I admit to a little fear of never finding that love…)

    Comment by CeCe | August 26, 2010 | Reply


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