Heart Opening Moments

BLOG of a Spiritual Stripper

Let the Tears Flow

Me, exposed

"Tears sometimes cleanse the heart and ready it for deeper love." - Bob Luckin (Artist, Co-Director at Spiritual Enrichment Center, Sr. Minister at International Centers for Spiritual Living)

“Crying is for Wimps.” So I was told. But they didn’t tell me where to put my anger, my sadness and my sorrow…  I hurt. My body, my mind, my emotions… Sometimes I felt as if my chest was caving in and I must run away before my heart explodes. Other times I wish I had a strong man to hold me in his arms and tell me everything will be alright. This time I could not run nor use a man to rescue me. This time I am alone.

So I cried. Loud. I screamed out my sorrows from the depth of me. I saw my tortured soul burning in the sea of agony. Her pain ran into the dark abyss. I wanted to pull her out but didn’t know how. So I cried… The waves of hailing tears went on and on… And the end was nowhere near.

I cried for my heartbreak, I cried for not being good enough, I cried for my fears, I cried for my neediness, I cried for my physical pain, I cried for my inability to love freely, I cried for my suppressed feelings, I cried for my failures, I cried for my longings, I cried for my disappointments, I cried for stepping into potholes, I cried for being unkind, I cried for always getting myself into storms of emotions, I cried for my loneliness, I cried for misunderstandings, I cried for hurting the ones I love, I cried for my confusion, I cried for my desires, I cried…

I asked myself if feelings were wrong. Yet how could something so natural and so raw be wrong? If it weren’t wrong then why can’t I show it freely? If I can feel so much hard twisted suppressed pain within me then do you feel the same pain? If I have spent so many years suppressing my true feelings then do you suppress them too? If I only smile to the world and secretly lock away my truth do you do the same? If we all suffer then who is going to rescue us from descending deeper into the abyss? Why do we have such violent feelings? Why can’t I stop crying? … Analyzing my pain only brought up more self-inflected misery. So I discarded my intellect, peeled off my cloth, laid on my back and watched the tears flow.

Naked. Exposed. Raw. This is me. The uncut version.

I feel deeply. I love passionately. I sense intensely. This is me. The truthful version.

I pretended I didn’t care. I acted I didn’t bleed. I toughed it out to demonstrate I am doing just fine. But I am not. That is not me. You only saw the mask and thought that was the real me.

I cried for all the untruth I showed to you, I cried for all the rejected feelings within me, I cried for all the masks I wore, I cried for all the egoic games I played, I cried for alienating you, I cried for the old wounds that still hunt me, I cried for the hope that someday I can show you how deeply I love, I cried for the longing to express my truth, I cried for us and the freedom within reach…

Two days of tears. Two days of storms. Wind. Thunder. Hail. I am still here, somehow standing calmly within the storm. No need to run. No need to hide. The ice melting. A smile softening into the tears. My heart is beating. Regardless of the storm, I am calm. I am here. I am free.

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April 18, 2011 - Posted by | Death & Rebirth, Emotional Freedom, Inner Growth, Self Realization, Tears | , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

8 Comments »

  1. Very nice, very poetic! Keep it up and it’ll be funny since you’re writing skill will have improved since today.

    Comment by Accidental Aikidoist | April 18, 2011 | Reply

  2. PS I hope you feel better! And nice picture *smiles

    Comment by Accidental Aikidoist | April 19, 2011 | Reply

  3. Wow. Holy crap.

    *hug*

    Comment by Si Dawson | April 19, 2011 | Reply

    • lol, yes “holy crap” for sure. this is the depth of female emotions. thank you for the HUG! 😉

      Comment by Flo Li | April 19, 2011 | Reply

  4. You cry as most women do..you put on the facade as most women do. It is who we are…it is what we do. Beautifully written, Flo.

    Comment by CeCe | April 19, 2011 | Reply

  5. I have always been familiar with “Crying is for wimps” as a stereotypically male requirement. Probably this is drilled into us at a young age to convince us to stop the childish practice of crying in a manipulative fashion… something that should really be drilled out of a child the moment (s)he gains the ability to express his desires in verbal fashion (ie. once crying ceases to be his only means of expressing hunger or other ordinary discomforts). But a thought occurs to me: in an age when death is considerably rarer than it once was, when poverty is an exception rather than a rule, when true suffering and want are unknown to a majority of the population (in a particular place and time), the rule against crying is not cancelled out by sufficiently frequent adult examples of when it actually is appropriate to cry. So we end up believing that crying actually is never appropriate.

    Stepping away from the intellectualization… I’m not ashamed to admit that I cry. While it is best not to allow the (unrealistically) negative thinking to reach the point of actual emotional breakdown… once it hits that point, there’s not much point in fighting it, if you can get the necessary privacy (whether alone or in the company of one’s closest). The tension is released, misery turns to exhaustion, and recovery, and restoration of balance, becomes possible.

    Heh, there I go, intellectualizing again. :p

    It’s a bit like being at the edge of a precipice and losing one’s balance. If it’s a long fall, it’s best to try and regain one’s balance at all costs… since the alternative is really, really bad (it helps to have a friend to take you by the hand). But if the fall is one you could theoretically get past with minimal injury if you keep your wits about you… best to jump, and roll with the impact. Accept that the fall is going to happen, act to minimize the damage, dust yourself off, and move on. Crying is nothing to cry about. 😉

    Comment by D.A. Sawyer | April 20, 2011 | Reply

  6. Hi Flo,
    I’ll be honest and tell you that this is my first time here. Your writing is very beautiful, serene, raw, poetic, and full of light. I thank you Flo for your heart opening blog and for sharing your incredible being with us. Love to you sweetheart

    Comment by Therese miu | April 26, 2011 | Reply


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