Heart Opening Moments

BLOG of a Spiritual Stripper

I didn’t mean that…

Flo Li Modeling Photo with PhotoFunia Effect

Women - mysterious, confusing, turbulent, emotional, unpredictable...YET passionate, expressive, intuitive, sensitive, and caring. Only the brave will unlock our hearts by truly understanding who we are.

Have you seen the joke called “What women SAY and what they really mean…“? It goes something like this:
She says “We need”, it means “I want.” 
She says “It’s your decision”, it means “The correct decision should obviously by mine.” 
She says “Do what you want”, it means “You’ll pay for this later.” 
She says “We need to talk”, it means “I need to complain.” 
She says “Sure…go ahead”, it means “I don’t want you to.”
She says “I’m not emotional! AND I’m not overreacting!”, it means “I’m on my period.” 
She says “Yes”, it means “No”; she says “No”, it means “No”; She says “Maybe”, it means “No.”
And my favorite – when she says “I’m sorry”, it means “You’ll be sorry.”

The men are probably laughing uncontrollably by now. Women, like it or not, there is some truth to the joke. I have to say I am guilty of the above accusation. It is a chronic syndrome I’m afraid. I don’t say what I mean – especially when it matters to me the most.

The first time it happened as I can recall was fifteen years ago. Like most parents, mom and dad drove me to college with everything they can pack into a car. We were unloading and unpacking for hours. With tears in her eyes, mom slowly made my dorm bed. She carefully tucked in all the corners and made sure the top was smooth without wrinkles. Silently, dad tried to connect my new computer he had just purchased to the school eternet. I glanced over as I hang my new Albert Einstein poster behind the desk. It was painful for me to watch how sad they were, I  privately promised myself not make such a big deal when they leave. Finally dad announced everything was settled for me and it was time for them to hit the road. I can sense the heaviness in his tone. “Thank GOD! I’m finally FREE!” I cheerfully responded. From the corner of my eyes I saw a sharp painful look flashing over dad’s face. He quickly recovered and laughed out loud. They left. I cried.

That was fifteen years ago. Last week during my birthday dinner, dad casually mentioned to grandparents Bud and Jan that I was more than relieved when he dropped me off in San Diego. In his words, the day mom and dad dropped me off at college was the day I broke free. There was once again that flash of sharp pain on his face. Something inside of me cried out “I didn’t mean that!” What I really wanted to say fifteen years ago was “please don’t worry about me and DO NOT CRY in front of my college buddies.” My cold response then was a coverup to the sadness I felt inside. Instead of feeling that sadness, I pushed it down and used my words as a knife to cut into my parents’ hearts. I didn’t want to endure the pain of watching them in pain so I took out a knife and cut into them deeply so they won’t feel sad. In reverse they will be glad to let go such a thankless child. And of course if they didn’t hurt, I won’t hurt. So I thought.

Feelings are not logical. My logical plans to detour feelings have certainly failed. Fifteen years later I’m finally feeling the sadness I was meant to feel and all the added consequences that came with it.

Yesterday once again my chronic coverup might have injured a man I really care for. I happened to put my foot where my month is – this time by using humor as a detour. Covering up my feelings so I don’t have to face my vulnerability became an uncontrollable chronic syndrome. Instead of letting him feel my affection, I felt the need to push him away. The worst part was I had to witness the pain my heartless joke had caused. This time it is serious. I’m afraid if I don’t put an end to this chronic tumor now it might end up running my life forever! It is time to say goodbye to my enlarged coverup tumor and at the same time I wish to plead for your compassion.

Men, please understand me. I can be cruel. I can be heartless. I pushed you away. I laughed when you fall. I attacked you with words of dagger. All that is just an act, just an armor – to protect my vulnerable heart. Inside this armor I’m smaller than I look, I’m fragile, I’m trembling, I’m scared, I’m afraid… I’m afraid you will not accept me for who I really am, for my softness, for my explosive passion, for my yearning to express my love… The truth is I want to please you. I want to fulfill your every wish. I want to ignite your every breathe with my fiery kiss. Can you forgive the moments I put on my armor and covered myself in untruth? One untruth adding to another untruth can spin out of control. All I desire is your forgiveness. Let’s erase all the moments I lied in attempt to conceal my vulnerabilities. Believe me, once you are unlocking my heart there is only love for you and nothing else.

Men, you can laugh at a women’s vulnerable nakedness if you like. I understand if you still find us women mysterious, confusing, turbulent, emotional, unpredictable, etc… Nevertheless I plead for you to penetrate deeper into us. In the depth of us, we are passionate, expressive, intuitive, sensitive, caring and are consumed by our burning desire to merge into Truth with you.

Disclaimer: due to the overwhelming comments this blog generated on WordPress and off WordPress, I feel it is my duty to clear up any misunderstanding — I DO NOT LIE ALL THE TIME! Just when I feel the need to protect my heart — like once in a full moon. Case closed. (Disclaimer issued on July 8th, 2011 8:34pm PST)
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July 7, 2011 - Posted by | Inner Growth, Self Realization, Tears | , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

34 Comments »

  1. Its coming straight from the heart. The heart is the place where people have forget and heart is the place where everything is ultimate.

    Comment by Fidarose Isha | July 7, 2011 | Reply

  2. I am happy that the blog you have proposed to develop is in safe hands. It is safe in the lap of vulnerable heart.

    Comment by Fidarose Isha | July 7, 2011 | Reply

    • Hmmm…”blog you have proposed to develop.” Is there a yin/yang male/female transform Flo and the world along with it blog on the horizon? I know that’s what my last 24 hours have been about, except of course the transform Flo part, at least not consciously, wait…did I do that? Merrily merrily merrily because of the wonderful things he does! Think not, act not, regret not.

      Comment by 崔梦特 | July 8, 2011 | Reply

  3. I forgive you Flo. I would love to have what you promise is available and waiting. By measure of your personal experience you can imagine the utter courage it takes to find that key, for me, for men I suppose. It is an utter mystery and a journey of trust and inner acknowledgement. Maybe you can ratchet down the key code complexity a level or two and we can begin to close the gap. In fact, just read this blog and be in it every day for a month and then I will know its safe to give it another try. Let me know if you have anything for me to do.

    Comment by 崔梦特 | July 8, 2011 | Reply

    • Don’t do, BE. 😉 Love you my friend!

      Comment by Flo Li | July 8, 2011 | Reply

  4. Well done, Flo…you and I are very much alike on the inside 🙂

    Comment by CeCe | July 8, 2011 | Reply

    • I see you CeCe (as in Avatar). ❤

      Comment by Flo Li | July 8, 2011 | Reply

  5. Aside from the fact that parts of your post wouldn’t look out of place from a dating website, this is a very educational piece indeed.

    I suppose women will be women and dudes will be dudes. I hope your appreciate my humor, I find it to be a great asset when facing the unknown (especially when dealing with women).

    Comment by Andrew | July 8, 2011 | Reply

    • What? I’m offended! Dating site? lol interesting… I didn’t know the Accidental Aikidoist is named Andrew. 😉

      Comment by Flo Li | July 8, 2011 | Reply

      • Haha, yes my name is Andrew – but in this day in age of the internet anyone can call themselves anything ;). As for you being offended, I apologize. But seriously…I just gave you the name for your next project 🙂 (Your welcome btw) Actually having your own site on dating and relationships might not be a bad idea for you after all…it has a nice ring to it don’t you think? “The Way of Harmony: Flo Li’s Guide to Dating and Relationships”. Yes, some parts of this post do look like they’re from eharmony. Would you like me to point them out?

        Comment by Andrew | July 8, 2011 | Reply

        • I get you. It is really about aikido – like in your words – The Way of Harmony. Just in this case there are so many sexist jokes of women I feel that we are misunderstood at times. BTW, I dated a men who was going to tatoo an armor on his oversized packs. There’s no extend to hiding I guess. And with the relationships blog, that is about aikido as well isn’t it? 😉

          Comment by Flo Li | July 8, 2011 | Reply

          • I wouldn’t go as far as to say that relationships is like Aikido – but there is certain a need for a relationship in one! I’ve tried see relationships through an Aikido lens, but I soon learned that didn’t bud well. Oh and where I come from, sexist jokes are the norm – it’s your response to them that counts 😉

            Comment by Andrew | July 8, 2011 | Reply

            • Have you read The Way of Aikido by George Leonard? In the book he spoke of a tough radio interview and how he got by with flying colors using the concept of aikido. I used it during my thesis exam and succeeded. I can certainly see this form of communicating through aiki by seeing from the other person’s perspective can serve in male female relationships as well. So I dare to say aikido is a way to harmonize opposites (including the ying and yang energies).

              Where you come from?

              BTW, it is nice to finally know your name Andrew. 😉

              Comment by Flo Li | July 8, 2011 | Reply

              • No I have not read the George Leonard article that you have mentioned yet. Maybe I will get around to it some day…
                As for where I come from? Not so much a physical place but rather situations that feature words, phrases, and attitudes that promote rated R jokes.

                Comment by Andrew | July 10, 2011

  6. Flo ummm, I am thinking but not today. New age mumbo jumbo, etc etc (noticed the etc etc.funny actually. May I never be the definition of.). The differences between professional and personal communication as an existence and perspective. No reference to etc etc. Interesting, Flo Li goes out in front of 200M males at least in the US and talks about saying one thing doing another or meaning another! A bid for for meaningful communication. Cool.
    I was thinking about how I do things and especially art and communication in the visual arts. I do myself and I do my sex preference. This is just the way I am. I consider other, a distraction. I hate distractions!

    How’s this, Flo would you like to go to the Moon? I am going to call Dennis Laurie, Trailblazer and find out if it’s off hold. If it is you may as well have work on it. Date?
    Later Flo

    Frank
    .

    Comment by Frank Seidl | July 8, 2011 | Reply

    • For your information Frank the first comment is from India and the second is from China, so I would have to say I was stripping myself naked to all the men in the world. For me, communication must spice things up in order to stick or be at least interesting. SHOCKING!?! So if I have intrigued you, GREAT! I wouldn’t settle for anything less.

      As for the moon I will take a free space for sure! How long is the moon journey? Any dates on the first shuttle would suite me just fine – oh an extra seat for Baby the dog please.

      Comment by Flo Li | July 8, 2011 | Reply

      • You do a lot of intriguing things Flo. & That’s payload to date only, unless China or India have something fully Commercialized?
        Frank

        Comment by Frank Seidl | July 8, 2011 | Reply

        • Can I get a translation? “You do intriguing things and that’s payload to date ‘unless’ China or India have something fully Commercialized?”

          There is/are a/an interesting perspective/s there my brain just isn’t able to tune in fully. Too many missing unspoken conjunctions or intended non-junctions.

          Please share.

          Comment by 崔梦特 | July 9, 2011 | Reply

        • Sure, China and India have their Commercial Space Exploration Enterprises. Both to date, I believe are Government or Space Organization connected as opposed to fully commercialized. Payload as opposed to human exploration. Space adventures has $100M to the Moon trip, human exploration. However it was and I believe still is Space Organization connected. I will have to look again,
          You and Roxy can go on the trip for $100,000,000. Space Adventures will take up to 2 years after commitment to launch. Other than that, it’s personal effects or equipment only.
          My point, maybe China or India having their own programs have something I haven’t heard about.
          Frank

          Comment by Frank Seidl | July 9, 2011 | Reply

        • “You do intriguing things.” Sorry I generalized, it seemed appropriate taking the conversation into consideration. Yes you intrigue me Flo, from the first time I met you on the net, you have been impressive. I don’t think you have done otherwise, in fact to the contrary and progressively forward. Though there are few conversations really. The type of person you are.. Whether you turn on or turn onto 3 billion men on earth is not what I meant. However, how are you doing with it?
          What i meant is you, you as a living definition of existence defined by what you do and the meaning of your existence that you created. I am impressed with your ability to carry on a professional personal relationship. I am just like that.. I like the intelligence of your actions that take mine into consideration automatically, a matter of intelligence. The content of your artwork, because of yourself concern allows for mine.. This is communication. This is why I said, “I like you Flo” several months back. Your top on the line with destiny, that has to be intriguing. Frank

          Comment by Frank Seidl | July 9, 2011 | Reply

          • The differences between professional and personal communication as an existence and perspective. This is a contradiction of terms almost in the same sentence. Actually trying to create living existence of by equating the 2 because of a higher intelligence, contradiction or difference lower level Not always successful. Not enough conversation to go with it. Professionals communication is both professional and personal, non professional may define personal as professional. Simultaneously makes no difference to the professional intelligence.

            That is what I meant in the original comment anyway, all 3 explainations in English however.

            Comment by Frank Seidl | July 9, 2011 | Reply

  7. New book title “The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Girlfriend”

    Um no, please.

    New book title “The Battle Hymn of the Tiger Wife: How I faced my feelings, learned to love, and in the process turned my childish joke of a boyfriend into a husband and warrior of love and success.”

    Comment by 崔梦特 | July 8, 2011 | Reply

    • There’s a Chinese song that goes something like this “Little monk don’t look her way, women are tigers, they will eat you alive…” Mom found it most humorous and she loved singing that song. Of course I was allergic to that song because it saddens me to be viewed that way. But there is some truth in the lyrics.

      The Tiger Wife book seems interesting, I would buy it. 😉

      Comment by Flo Li | July 8, 2011 | Reply

  8. Ok, this has caused too much misunderstanding, I DO NOT LIE ALL THE TIME! Just when it really matters — like once in a full moon. Case closed.

    Comment by Flo Li | July 8, 2011 | Reply

    • LOL, I don’t think we – the fellas – ever said you lie all the time. I can only speak for myself, but all you did was touch on a hot button topic that has been raging since Eve and Adam left the garden of Eden (I’m not Christian but who cares).

      …some parts of your post did sound a little “dirty” but that’s just me (that’s why I said it sounds like it came from a dating site). Hey, we lie all the time – some more than others. So don’t sweat the misunderstanding part, this is where our training comes in handy – handling the chaos of events.

      Comment by Andrew | July 8, 2011 | Reply

      • oh where did your mind take you? lol BTW, I worked as an engineer for many years and the technical terms always sound “dirty” – but the guys loved it!

        Comment by Flo Li | July 8, 2011 | Reply

        • Hm technical terms that are dirty in the engineering world? Sounds kinky already ;P Please do tell. As for my mind, well do you really want to know? I don’t want to ruin the PC/spiritual atmosphere you have here with my non-PC vernacular ;).

          …unless you would like to hear it in a more “private” environment.

          Comment by Andrew | July 10, 2011 | Reply

          • Hello Andrew, I do not judge a natural part of human life – that is human sexuality. There is nothing to be ashamed of in my eyes. I was made with love by this very natural act between my parents and I’m certain you were as well. It is unfortunate that much of our society’s judgement and religious upbringing make us think such acts are “dirty”. It is ok to joke around about it but please understand that I honor and cherish Love. As the book A Return to Love points out, Sex is like Money, it can be used for good or evil. For me the basis of sex can be used toward spirituality or away from it – it is a choice for those who possess such awareness.

            As with many mechanical engineering terminologies, there are many descriptions of shifts and fittings so go figure. But they are just mechanical – not soulful 😉

            Enjoy Aikido my friend! I’m training for my 1st kyu!

            Comment by Flo Li | July 11, 2011 | Reply

            • So when is your 1st Kyu test?

              Comment by Andrew | July 14, 2011 | Reply

              • August 13th. Wish me success! 😉

                Comment by Flo Li | July 14, 2011

  9. (August 13th. Wish me success!) Flo, your last qualification test I know you did in pain after the accident. You went ahead
    and did it anyway. I doubt that wishing has anything to do with it. Frank

    Comment by Frank Seidl | July 15, 2011 | Reply

  10. That’s a little far, remind me when it comes closer and I will give you a formal wish of success 🙂

    Comment by Andrew | July 17, 2011 | Reply

  11. I find this piece encouraging in that it reinforces what I already suspect: that women do, in fact, frequently misrepresent their opinions and feelings… but that there is no malice behind it. Of course, I’m also encouraged that you see how this form of self-defense can cause horrible misunderstandings. I have quite a few friends, male and female, who would likely profit from reading this. Did you ever link it on Facebook? I don’t remember seeing it there.

    Comment by Daryl Sawyer | September 16, 2011 | Reply

    • I did post on facebook I think. ^_^ Feel free to pass onto anyone might find it helpful Daryl. You have a psychological muturity that is rare. I’m on the other side of the world hence the late reply. There are no FB or twitter access. I miss it.

      Comment by Flo Li | September 28, 2011 | Reply


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