Heart Opening Moments

BLOG of a Spiritual Stripper

Wild Flower Half Ironman

The weather was perfect for my first half ironman competition!

En Route During The Half Ironman Race

En Route During The Wild Flower Half Ironman Race

The sun came out just as I got out of the water passing the cheering crowd.  I took off my goggles and swim cap and then went onto peel off the wetsuit that was tightly hugging my body.  The tiny little rocks beneath my feet felt like nails digging into the bottom of my skin as I ran to my bike stand marked number 1938.  I quickly wiped my feet, took a sip of Gatorade, dried off my feet and put on my bike shoes.

As I rushed out on my bike, the crowd was cheering when I exited the tight turn just outside of the transition zone.  I was so focused on making the turn that I did not see the cyclists rushing up behind me.  Suddenly another cyclist bumped me on my left handle bar; I hit the banners on my right and crashed into the crowd.  My chain was undone and my body trembling while I try to dust myself off.  My body was in shock and all I wanted to do was cry.  How did I get to be so unlucky?  My fingers were all thumbs and I could not put the chain back onto the crack.  A bystander took notice of me and helped me.  That was several points off from my final score whenever someone else helps me.  But I had no choice and I had to get up.  I blamed myself for crashing but thanked him and moved on quickly.

That was a close call.  I only got a few starches on my right side and the bleeding stopped quickly.  As I begin to ride up the first hill, I had to push with my entire body because I did not build enough momentum before the crash.  I could feel the pain firing off in my quads and glutes.  Suddenly, the paddles jammed.  I quickly unclip my shoes to balance my feet on the ground.  What a rough start and my chain came off again.  Somehow my frustration spiraled down into a deep depression.  My tears rolled off my cheeks and I could hardly breathe.  I asked myself why  am I the only one who has to endure such a hard life while everyone else cruised past me.  It felt as if the gods are pushing me down every time my will power leads me just a little further along.  Why?  Why must I endure so much pain and suffering?  I will not give up.  I brushed my tears off of my face with my greasy gloves after fixing the chain and got back on my bike and pushed myself up the hill.  I haven’t even passed the first mile mark and yet I already want to quit.  I must not quit, ever!  What is wrong with me?

I kept on pushing forward and finally moved beyond the first hill.

Maybe all of my hardships are justified.  Maybe it is karma.  My past is finally catching up to me.  All these awful things that happened to me lately have really been devastating in such a harsh way.  That is okay.   I can endure.  Maybe I really do deserve to be punished.  I guess I really can’t complain.

I rode on.  I had secretly made a choice to just be because I can handle anything that comes my way.  Since I’m out in nature now, why not just turn the other cheek to my suffering and enjoy the path at hand?

The hills are beautiful.  I love being in the wilderness with no cars or noise to distract my senses.  I wanted to enjoy the serenity and just be in the moment.  The last time I actually slowed down and enjoy the moment was probably more than 20 years ago…  The endless grass covering the rolling hills felt like a magic carpet, soft and smooth.  The funniest part is that somehow the ride got easier.

As I past the 35 mile mark, I smiled for the camera.  As I pass the 40 mile mark, I saw the calk-written encouragements addressed to me on the ground.  It was heartwarming as I rode over the letter L.  As I past the 46 mile mark, I knew I had pushed through the last hill and the rest would be a breeze.  Perhaps all that suffering has finally paid off!  This was much easier than I lead myself to believe.  There’s only 10 more miles left and it is all down hills from here.

The teammate I just passed on the way up tucked his body tight and zoomed down the hill zooming past me.  I couldn’t let him beat me!  I worked hard going up the last hill and yet he is going to take my glory?  I pulled in my elbows, moved my body closer to the bike, and lowered my head.  I can feel the wind on my face and the sound of increasing speed brushing by my ears.  Looks like I’m finally catching up to him.

I realized how fast I was going and there was no way to make the next turn going through the sudden rough patches on the ride.  I quickly squeezed my right hand for the back breaks, no response.  I then simultaneously squeezed the left hand for the front breaks as well.  Momentarily, I felt my body becoming unstable and knew something is going very wrong…

“God, if you exist, I’m all yours.”  I called out to the universe as my consciousness blacked out.

May 6, 2006 Posted by | Death & Rebirth | , , , , | 1 Comment