Heart Opening Moments

BLOG of a Spiritual Stripper

I didn’t mean that…

Flo Li Modeling Photo with PhotoFunia Effect

Women - mysterious, confusing, turbulent, emotional, unpredictable...YET passionate, expressive, intuitive, sensitive, and caring. Only the brave will unlock our hearts by truly understanding who we are.

Have you seen the joke called “What women SAY and what they really mean…“? It goes something like this:
She says “We need”, it means “I want.” 
She says “It’s your decision”, it means “The correct decision should obviously by mine.” 
She says “Do what you want”, it means “You’ll pay for this later.” 
She says “We need to talk”, it means “I need to complain.” 
She says “Sure…go ahead”, it means “I don’t want you to.”
She says “I’m not emotional! AND I’m not overreacting!”, it means “I’m on my period.” 
She says “Yes”, it means “No”; she says “No”, it means “No”; She says “Maybe”, it means “No.”
And my favorite – when she says “I’m sorry”, it means “You’ll be sorry.”

The men are probably laughing uncontrollably by now. Women, like it or not, there is some truth to the joke. I have to say I am guilty of the above accusation. It is a chronic syndrome I’m afraid. I don’t say what I mean – especially when it matters to me the most.

The first time it happened as I can recall was fifteen years ago. Like most parents, mom and dad drove me to college with everything they can pack into a car. We were unloading and unpacking for hours. With tears in her eyes, mom slowly made my dorm bed. She carefully tucked in all the corners and made sure the top was smooth without wrinkles. Silently, dad tried to connect my new computer he had just purchased to the school eternet. I glanced over as I hang my new Albert Einstein poster behind the desk. It was painful for me to watch how sad they were, I  privately promised myself not make such a big deal when they leave. Finally dad announced everything was settled for me and it was time for them to hit the road. I can sense the heaviness in his tone. “Thank GOD! I’m finally FREE!” I cheerfully responded. From the corner of my eyes I saw a sharp painful look flashing over dad’s face. He quickly recovered and laughed out loud. They left. I cried.

That was fifteen years ago. Last week during my birthday dinner, dad casually mentioned to grandparents Bud and Jan that I was more than relieved when he dropped me off in San Diego. In his words, the day mom and dad dropped me off at college was the day I broke free. There was once again that flash of sharp pain on his face. Something inside of me cried out “I didn’t mean that!” What I really wanted to say fifteen years ago was “please don’t worry about me and DO NOT CRY in front of my college buddies.” My cold response then was a coverup to the sadness I felt inside. Instead of feeling that sadness, I pushed it down and used my words as a knife to cut into my parents’ hearts. I didn’t want to endure the pain of watching them in pain so I took out a knife and cut into them deeply so they won’t feel sad. In reverse they will be glad to let go such a thankless child. And of course if they didn’t hurt, I won’t hurt. So I thought.

Feelings are not logical. My logical plans to detour feelings have certainly failed. Fifteen years later I’m finally feeling the sadness I was meant to feel and all the added consequences that came with it.

Yesterday once again my chronic coverup might have injured a man I really care for. I happened to put my foot where my month is – this time by using humor as a detour. Covering up my feelings so I don’t have to face my vulnerability became an uncontrollable chronic syndrome. Instead of letting him feel my affection, I felt the need to push him away. The worst part was I had to witness the pain my heartless joke had caused. This time it is serious. I’m afraid if I don’t put an end to this chronic tumor now it might end up running my life forever! It is time to say goodbye to my enlarged coverup tumor and at the same time I wish to plead for your compassion.

Men, please understand me. I can be cruel. I can be heartless. I pushed you away. I laughed when you fall. I attacked you with words of dagger. All that is just an act, just an armor – to protect my vulnerable heart. Inside this armor I’m smaller than I look, I’m fragile, I’m trembling, I’m scared, I’m afraid… I’m afraid you will not accept me for who I really am, for my softness, for my explosive passion, for my yearning to express my love… The truth is I want to please you. I want to fulfill your every wish. I want to ignite your every breathe with my fiery kiss. Can you forgive the moments I put on my armor and covered myself in untruth? One untruth adding to another untruth can spin out of control. All I desire is your forgiveness. Let’s erase all the moments I lied in attempt to conceal my vulnerabilities. Believe me, once you are unlocking my heart there is only love for you and nothing else.

Men, you can laugh at a women’s vulnerable nakedness if you like. I understand if you still find us women mysterious, confusing, turbulent, emotional, unpredictable, etc… Nevertheless I plead for you to penetrate deeper into us. In the depth of us, we are passionate, expressive, intuitive, sensitive, caring and are consumed by our burning desire to merge into Truth with you.

Disclaimer: due to the overwhelming comments this blog generated on WordPress and off WordPress, I feel it is my duty to clear up any misunderstanding — I DO NOT LIE ALL THE TIME! Just when I feel the need to protect my heart — like once in a full moon. Case closed. (Disclaimer issued on July 8th, 2011 8:34pm PST)

July 7, 2011 Posted by | Inner Growth, Self Realization, Tears | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 34 Comments

At the Core of Everything…

We fight, we misunderstand each other, but at the end of the day, at the core of everything, there is only love.

We fight, we misunderstand each other, but at the end of the day, at the core of everything, there is only love.

I was in tears.  I couldn’t understand why my simple expression had such an impact.  I’ve never seen him so angry with me.  Why did he react?  Why did he nearly yell at me when minutes ago things were so nice and peaceful?

It all started when I knocked on the door and called out grandma.  But instead of calling grandma, I used the endearing term she and I have always used with one another – “gotata”.  That’s when dad appeared out of nowhere and stared me in the face and told me to NEVER EVER use that word again.  I was taken back, trembling in shock, I did not know what to do.  He was so emotional.  I could tell somehow this word had hit a major nerve.

But why?  What is the lesson in this?  Did I trigger something in his unconscious mind?

At night, I still couldn’t fully forgive him without a better understanding.  Knowing my dad, he rarely talks about anything beyond the boundaries of the intellect, being emotionally intimate with anyone is impossible for his psyche.  Nevertheless, I HAD to know.

During our night walk with mom, I couldn’t help myself and brought up the incident that had happened earlier during the day.  He told me the word “gotata” is not in the dictionary.  “So what?” I replied.  He was getting more heated, “do not use words outside of the dictionary!  I’ve held back for 30 years and every-time I hear that word it feels like a cat scratching my chest open!”  Now we are getting somewhere.  Somehow this word does touch a sore spot in him.  “So what if I use a newly created word that is not in the dictionary?  Shakespeare does it all the time!” I noticed myself getting even more emotional and I might actually explode.  He couldn’t explain.  He just stood there in anger.  I had to push more, maybe the explosion will be more productive than the 4th of July fireworks surrounding us…

It back fired.

I ended up walking alone for miles when mom and dad went their separate ways.  Cried my silent tears, I sat on the curb side wondering what just happened.  I wanted to laugh at how silly this whole thing was.  We were fighting with such intense emotional explosives  over a word.  Not religion or politics, but A WORD!  As I quietly walked home in the dark, I hoped for a revelation.  There has to be a lesson in this vivid experience…

This morning after my meditation, grandma finally told me the true history behind of the word – “gotata”.  When I was an infant, I did not smile much.  Grandma did everything to make me smile.  She would make funny faces, give me toys, even sing and dance.  Finally she noticed that certain sounds made me laugh.  And after experimenting for a while, she found “gotata” contained the perfect magical ingredients that made me laugh in a consistent manner.  This was the birth of our endearing term.  She and I have called each other “gotata” as long as I could remember.  This word contains so much love for my soul that I refuse to ever let it go.  This is the love that grandma and I shared, it is special and eternal…

A few hours later, after an intense internal forgiveness process thanking the potential gift from dad, I went on to see if he was still angry.  As soon as I walked up, he apologized.  I knew he loves me but he did not know what he was apologizing for.  Me neither.  Somehow I had a sense that being the ivory tower intellect that he is, he wanted his daughter to look, act, and speak the part as well.  I asked him if he would feel small if we spoke in native tongue, he said yes.  “I love you too dad,” I told him tenderly as I gave him a hug.  “I want you to have more vision and communicate at a higher level.”  He gazed into my eyes with such sweetness.  Dad had to fight the Chinese government and corrupt officials to even get a fair chance to begin his ivory tower education.  And the intellect means the world to him.  Naturally he would project his beliefs onto me.

I understand it all perfectly now.  At the core of everything, there is only LOVE.  Grandma found “gotata” to make me smile, dad refused the term to keep me at an ivory tower status.  Both were all out of love – in their own unique way.  For grandma, my smile is worth a million kisses; for dad, the intellectual status is personal power and all that is.  Both of them wanted to give me what they value the most – from the love within the depth of their hearts.

Wow!  How beautiful LOVE is…

I can judge the place where love came from, I can choose to misunderstand their true intentions, and I can value one form of love higher than another…  Somehow in my mind and my heart, I know that love is love, and below the surface of emotional explosives, behind the masks of our shells, and at the core of everything, there is only LOVE.  We love in different ways, we interpret love and we accept love in different ways.  By recognizing that our ether is made of molecules of love, we can fly higher to another plane of enlightenment, to view life’s tears with understanding, with joy, and with celebration.

At the core of everything, there is only LOVE.

July 5, 2009 Posted by | Emotional Freedom, Inner Growth, Tears | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment