Heart Opening Moments

BLOG of a Spiritual Stripper

Finding Faith in Fractals

Day and Night

New Fractal by Flo including both elements of ying/yang, day/night, light/darkness that gave birth to the Chinese Character Enlightenment.

Sometimes life can become such a challenge I begin to question if all the struggle is indeed leading me somewhere. Today as I embarked upon another dark moment sinking deeply into chaos, I found comfort in Professor Mandelbrot’s fractal talk.

The message is simple – “there is order amid chaos.”

To me, fractals have always been fascinating since the day I held a cauliflower. As a child I’ve always looked deeply within nature to find patterns in flowers, bugs, and even clouds. Perhaps that is the reason I decided to become an engineer and have enjoyed myself tremendously while watching Brownian motions for hours at a time under a microscope. I found roughness in disorders fascinating and have always secretly believed if I look hard enough a pattern will eventually emerge.

I guess this is how I have approached life as well in this esoterically peculiar sense. Whenever trouble approached me I’ve always found faith knowing that a new orderly pattern in life will surely emerge no matter how chaotic or dark the situation might be right now. I believe that all challenges are indications of spiritual growth and all spectrums of emotions contribute to a holistic self-realization.

So today as I cleaned up after Baby Roxy, feed her, cuddled her and did everything I could to love her yet I still couldn’t be the puppy mother I had hoped to be. She acted chaotic and unpredictable. I was getting tired of watching her 24/7. I felt severally frustrated at my own ability to adjust to a 5 week old puppy. I began to question my worthiness as a mother and wasn’t sure if my secret desires of forming a family is practical. A baby is so much work and I wasn’t sure if I could handle all the unpredictabilities it brings.

As I held Baby Roxy on my lap and listening to Professor Mandelbrot speaking about the beauty amid roughness, I began to find the love amid the disorder my puppy brought into my life. A dear friend told me once “do not see a new chapter in life as an inconvenience, just like Aikido, you can learn to readjust and find your center again.” What wonderful wisdom. Feeling the warmth from Baby Roxy, I’m beginning to adjust to her needs. I’m finding joy learning the pattern underneath her seemingly chaotic behavior and thought to myself, “perhaps this learning process will indeed help me to be a good mommy.”

July 9, 2010 Posted by | love, Self Realization | , , | 1 Comment

Growing Up is Taking Risks

New Baby Girl Roxy Slept All Day Tuesday and Woke Up Wanting to Play In the Middle of the Night

I’ve been visiting my family in Fresno since my birthday a few days ago. To my surprise on Tuesday over lunch, a big surprise was gifted to me and I nearly cried…

It’s a girl!

She was wrapped up in a pink blanket half asleep. She is covered in soft black fur with white patches over her eyes, mouth and tummy. I held her in my arms gazed into the bundle of joy. A distant maternal instinct was triggered in me, I was in love – with a 2 week old baby girl puppy and I did not want to let go.

The whole afternoon my boyfriend and I took her everywhere us. We got puppy milk, puppy bottle, a pink collar, and everything else the puppy needed to welcome her into our lives. Both of us were excited. He even called an expert breeder asking for advise on how to take of the puppy. She told us that she is way too young to be away from her mother and she might not survive. All of her expert advise was overwhelming discouraging. I did not expect having a new baby in my arms means that any moment she might not make it. It broke my heart and I cried. I doubted my ability to be a good mother. I was lost. I didn’t know what to do. By looking at the way she slept, I began to believe that her first day with me might as well be her last day. It sadden me. My boyfriend told me just make the best out of it. As we took her with us walking around in the mall we attracted so much attention. She was beginning to wake up from all the love surrounding her.

Finally at the end of the night she lied on my boyfriend’s tummy and took the bottle in her mouth. She ate for the first time! We didn’t get to sleep all night since she was required to be cuddled with and feed every 2 hours. Near the morning, she climbed out of her bed and started to walk around. She even barked! He took her in his arms and cuddle with her for hours. It was beautiful.

Wednesday – I posted pictures of her on facebook and asked for suggestions of a cute girlie name. She started to jump and interact with mom. She ate, went outside for a bit and slept on my lap.

Thursday – We named her Roxy. She started to run around all over the house. She peed and pooped outside in the grass with any potty training! She took a bath and sunbathed in the backyard to dry off. She started to bite my toe! She is exploring all over the house and even making friends with the dogs next door!

These are the video of Baby Roxy jumping around in the house and playing in the grass this morning.

What’s amazing about Baby Roxy is that she is a survivor! She grew up so quickly in the past few days because she took risks. I started to wonder whenever I have stopped taking risks myself, I no longer grew. Whenever I’m stagnate in my thinking or being, my age might have increase but I did not grow wiser. What a beautiful illustration Baby Roxy brought to us – by allowing herself to be engaged with life fully without fear, she grew wiser. I think I will learn a few tips from her. lol

July 1, 2010 Posted by | Inner Growth, love | , , , , | 3 Comments