Heart Opening Moments

BLOG of a Spiritual Stripper

International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women

when I was younger, I wanted to find a fairy tale love that ends in "they lived happily ever after."

when I was younger, I wanted to find a fairy tale love that ends in “they lived happily ever after.” Photo by FloLi Photography.

Years ago before Realization took root in me, I searched for a romantic love that holds the power to my happiness. At an early age, I had read about the power of a soulmate who can transform one’s whole entire life for the better. And the beautiful tales always ended with “they lived happily ever after.” I believed. I believed that someday someone will love me enough to transform my sadness into “happily ever after”.

Life didn’t happen for me the way I believed.

My first boyfriend from high school was athletically talented, academically brilliant, and a sweetheart who cared for my happiness. He always told me that “you belong to me”. I did feel a sense of security yet at the same time I felt as if I were just an object of his affection. It didn’t feel quite right. Later on, his jealousy pushed us further and further apart from one another. Eventually he couldn’t stand the fact I talked to other guys so he decided to go out with one of his female friends before I could get a chance to hurt him. I was heartbroken and didn’t understand how this could ever happen to me.

Year after year I ended up in relationships that echoed my first love. Eventually things hit rock bottom when my last romantic relationship ended in a pregnancy and miscarriage from rape. I found myself unable to speak of the abuse I endured. On the surface things seemed just fine as he accompanied me everywhere. But no one knew he watched my every move because “his girl” needs his protection. Whenever he was not happy with the way I interacted with another man, he would force me to have sex with him that same night until I was unable to move. I would cry myself to sleep quietly on the edge of the bed hoping he would not notice and place control over me again. On the day I stood up for myself regardless of possible danger, I took back my life.

A few days ago I met up with an old friend who I have not talked to in several years. She asked about my last relationship. In her eyes she thought he could have been the one for me. Over a cup of steaming coffee, I looked up at her upbeat anticipation and told her calmly that I am single. She seemed shocked at first but soon understood that I would rather be alone then be treated like an object to possess. Because an object can only be used, possessed, then tossed away. I told her nowadays I am strong and secure enough within myself that I no longer require the ownership of a man in order to feel fulfilled.

I often hear stories of domestic abuse and the hopelessness the abused feels towards one’s situation and the power to overcome the abuser’s control. Walking down the street, I can see the hopeless eyes in countless women. On this day – November 25th 2014 – International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women, I want to speak up of the pain I endured and so many other women from all over the world are still enduring. According to The Independent  “two women are killed every week in England and Wales by a current or former partner and more than a third of women will be sexually or physically abused in their lifetimes.” Figures from the UN show 35 per cent of women and girls globally experience some form of physical and or sexual violence in their lifetime.

I read another article by the Isha Foundation published today about the underlying cause of such violence being a “fundamental mistake [that] somewhere in the minds of the youth, the male youth, we have put the idea that the female is an object, a thing that you can possess.” From the same article I found the following words to hold profound truth.

The fundamental thing is that one wants to possess, humiliate, and subjugate another human being. This is happening because of a certain level of inadequacy, a certain level of incompleteness from within – that only by possessing something will you feel a little better. Whether to fulfill this possession you go shopping or you go raping, it’s the same thing. Something is inadequate, you want to fulfill this by getting something. This will find all kinds of ugly expressions. It will not stop at one thing.

As women, are we powerless and hopeless from protecting ourselves against such violence? No! We as women have the ability to stand up for ourselves to make difference choices and find a way out.

the vehicle to freedom is in your own hands - take the ride to your own happiness!

the vehicle to freedom is in your own hands – take the ride to your own happiness!

In my journey, I have found I must begin to search for inadequacies within myself. Initially I found a false belief that I am not good enough – and only if I have the perfect body, a Gucci purse, a killer job, and a good man then I will therefore be good enough to be loved. I felt as if I NEED a man by my side to be worthy. At one point I even thought if I can be a trophy wife someday then I will finally be worthy. With all that in my subconscious system, I was broadcasting the signal it is OK for a man to use me and possess me. From my younger days the main male characters changed, yet I remained the same. When I did not change from within at a foundational level, I still attracted the same violence that escalated over time. I had to let go the idea that in order to survive in this world, I need a man by my side. Once I looked within myself, I found that sense of underlying inadequacy came from a false sense of who and what I am. It came from my disbelieving in my own capabilities. It came from my belief that only a prince charming will save me.

I could not be freed while placing the key to freedom in someone else’s hands. I had to dig through the gutters in my own mind to uncover all the untruth I sheltered myself from. With the assistance of meditation, I was able to face my internal lies and recognize the capability within myself to transform my own life. I had to be brave enough to further examine my behaviors, choices, and eventual consequences with a gentle, none-judgmental heart. Once I took on the responsibility that I held the key to my own freedom, and that my unconscious behaviors and choices created the painful episodes in my life, I begin to move in a different direction.

Over coffee, my old friend asked me if I had given up on love all together. “No! Not at all. But I did stop believing that being possessed means being loved.” I laughed, “and the rest of the story is still unwritten…”

November 25, 2014 Posted by | Choices, Death & Rebirth, Emotional Freedom, Enlightenment, Inner Growth, love, Self Realization, Tears, World Transformation | , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Gift of a Black Belt

Last Saturday I tested for my shodan in aikido and was awarded a black belt. People asked me how it feels. To be honest, I feel no different because getting a black belt was not my aim. At the same time I feel deeply touched because I have devoted myself completely through sunshine and rain, and in a sense, to have come this far without giving up along the way is what I’m most proud of.

Looking back there were numerous times I questioned my sanity when things got tough. Especially when it came to the aikido forward roll. I was never talented at being up-side down nor I enjoyed it very much. The forward roll seemed to me like purposefully tossing myself onto the ground and hoping my body will be round enough to carry me through so I can make it to the other side and be back on my feet again. In a way, I thought I had to be at least a little crazy to attempt such a stunt. I was – a little crazy – priding myself as a good athlete I didn’t want to back down from such a challenge. Wanted to protect myself I often closed my eyes, held my breath and prayed I won’t get hurt. I suppose my teachers were amazed at times that I’m willing to try and other times I would tremble in fear while everyone else proceeded before me. There were times I walked out of it all together. Not to mention injuring my right shoulder a few months into the training when I tossed myself too high off the ground with my eyes closed, and later only to discover that I have landed on the weakest part of the shoulder that was not meant to support such weight. I cried my tears and swore I would never put myself through another ordeal again yet somehow there was another force quietly pushing me forward.

The Aikido Forward Roll

Four years have gone by that I rarely missed any training at all. I selflessly worked on anything else the dojos needed from mopping the mats, updating the website, hosting oversea guests, to teaching the kids class. There was never a day went by I didn’t at least think of aikido. Why? I really can’t say. After years of training my goal-oriented ego has been washed away slowly. I could no longer say I train so I can look good in other people’s eyes because I no longer care. I don’t do it for the money, I don’t do it to gain approval, I don’t do it to even be physically fit. Unknowingly the subtle flow slowly pushed me forward through my sadness, through the obstacles, through sunshine and rain and somehow I found myself on the other side of the forward roll – landing on my feet continuing to walk forward.

What did I give up? A lot. I had to give up fear. I had to give up aggression. I had to give up the need to be perfect. I had to give up indulging in my neurosis. I had to give up forcing a particular outcome to suit my needs. I had to give my limited view of separation of humanity. … The list goes on.

What did I gain? Even more. I gained true self-confidence. I gained a disciplined mind. I gained the awareness when I’m acting from ego. I gained the ability of acceptance and peace. I gained a keen sense of focus amid emotional turmoil. Most importantly I gained love and compassion for myself and the ability to expand that love outward.

The truth is, the black belt itself has no meaning, yet this black belt is a symbol of my perseverance. This black belt reminds me to stick to my path through thick and thin – knowing I will land on my feet and walk forward again each time I fall.

September 29, 2012 Posted by | Aikido Wisdom, Death & Rebirth, Self Realization, Tears, World Transformation | , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments

For Love or For Fear?

What do you stand for? Love or Fear?

A few months ago I had a short conversation with a friend who was going through a series of struggles but he was not willing to ask for help. He is one of the most brilliant, capable, and loving man I’ve ever met and I often admire how strongly he stands in the face of fear. This time around as he continues to progress on his spiritual journey with more difficult lessons to encounter, even he was caught up in a downward spiral of False Evidence Appearing Real. As I pointed out that in my experience fear resides in the third chakra right in my solar plexus, he quickly disagreed. He believed that fear should be in the base chakra because if one does not have survivals of food and money taken care of, fear is the by product. He honestly believed that fear would go away if his basic needs were met. I did not argue. Knowing that he is more than capable of making a decent living with all the talents he can share in his back pocket. I knew it was his own mind that was holding him back from sharing his gifts with the world. I sensed his outdated believe system needed a software upgrade in order to support his current operating system but it was up to him to make the choice. His argument of circumstances cause fear and not the other way around seemed logical yet it was not intuitive. Intuitively I can “see” that it is the seed of fear that was causing the outward appearance of circumstances. In my opinion, if it were not taken care of ASAP, fear can feed into external circumstances which encourages the growth of even more fear that will eventually end up in a downward spiral of negative emotions to produce further difficulties in circumstances.

Let’s talk about Fear and Love. Fear is often manifested in the forms of depression, frustration, loneliness, anxiety, worry, jealousy, envy, and anger. Love is expressed through courage, connection, inner peace, self-esteem, compassion, hope, and happiness. In her book Emotional Freedom, Judith Orloff, M.D. confronted us with the naked truth – if we don’t make it our business to overcome fear, we better believe it’ll try to overcome us. “Many people are subservient to this emotion, though they may not know it. What underscores fear in all its permutations is the feeling that you won’t be all right. Fear of aging…of rejection…” When we are living within fear, we tend to make “safer” choices because taking a chance means we won’t be all right. Consequently, these “safer” choices are often not the high integrity choices inlined with our highest truth and they are really not the safe choices after all! For example, let’s say I’ve met the most wonderful man and the amount of love he expresses makes me feel nervous. I feel unsafe in his high energy field because his love triggers my insecurities. Even though I want to connect with the high voltage energy field we share yet I don’t allow myself because I fear that I am not good enough to be with him. Therefore I pull away and seek a safer ground and hide my little self without making it too obvious. If he is at all in tune with my energy, he can sense the fact that I’m pulling away. This might cause him to question his worthiness if he is human enough to still harbor some insecurities. In the end, a beautiful potential for mutual growth through a high voltage relationship is suddenly given up because I allowed fear of “not being good enough” to control my life. Another example, when I’m feeling fearful and unworthy, I tend to block the flow of money, love, and energy into me. I would not charge for my services or offer ridiculously low discounts for clients and later find myself struggling to pay for my bills. This feeling also comes from the third chakra of where self-esteem resides. Money and security is connected to a sense of self-worth and self-confidence.

But how do we establish our sense of security and move through fear?

By tapping into our heart chakra. In the forth chakra my ability to love resides. Remember love is expressed through courage and courage is the antidote to fear. In the center of my chest I hold the positive emotions of love, joy, and inner peace. God strategically placed the center of love just above the solar plexus of fear. By rising our energy upward, we can transform the fear felt in the gut to courage experienced in the heart. Between the third and fourth chakras is where our spiritual power becomes manifested into our physical reality. This is a vital connection point. When this connection is blocked, no matter how spiritual we might be, our physical reality will still be painful. Only by connecting the physical and the spiritual, our lives can be truly sensational.

In A course in Miracles we have learned that the opposite of love is fear. Fear causes us to distort our vision and settle for less.  When we settle for less and not living to our highest potential, we rob the chance for others to experience the gifts we have to offer to the world. To be frankly confrontational, I have to tell you the truth–your insecurities is not only destructive to you, it is also destructive to the world. When you are not showing up as your greatest self, you are not being who you are meant to be and you are certainly not living your purpose. The reason you are here is because you are meant for greatness, to transform yourself, and through your transformation shine the light for those around you so they too can transform themselves. By being your bigger self and shine your own light, you can heal the world in unbelievable ways. So when you are busy indulging in your fear and hiding your light, you are not in integrity and not living your calling of true service.

The choice is yours. Do you live for Love or for Fear? In order to transform the core resonance of our planet you need to align yourself with the vibration of the highest truth. I urge you to live a life of divine service–feel the fear and love anyway.

January 26, 2010 Posted by | Inner Growth | , , , , , , , , , , , , | 9 Comments