Heart Opening Moments

BLOG of a Spiritual Stripper

Welcome to Reality

At 27 years old, like almost everyone, I lived in endless mental clutter. There’s never enough time nor energy to do the things I wanted nor take care of the things I needed. Work, relationship, friendships, occupied most of my mental space. Somehow I just couldn’t catch a break. Life was a struggle even with a house, a man I was about to marry, the perfect job I loved, and paid travel which I’ve always dreamt of… Everything seemed perfect – except something was missing. And I didn’t know why.

Of course life had its usual ups and downs – going after what I want, living up to other’s expectations, taking care of distraught friends, having to appear a certain way physically and emotionally, etc… I was non-stop on the go, and life was too exhausting to count the burdens…

One day I was driving on the freeway, and my mind was going insane with all the noise upon noise like layers of broken records all playing at the same time and each with loud emotional signatures trying to grab my attention and I thought I was about to set off a nuclear explosion… Out of complete desperation I screamed – “STOP!!!”

Somehow it all stopped.

There was only –




– Fulled with a vibrant quietude.

For a few seconds I couldn’t find myself.

There was only Contentment, Perfect Clarity, and Pure Serenity.

Driving was still happening. The freeway didn’t change a bit. But somehow I was NOT moving.

Yes, other cars were moving relatively. But somehow the center that I called “I” was at a stand still. Nothing was moving yet everything was how it was – in perfect harmony. The body moved naturally to turn the steering wheel and everything was just happening by itself.

The only thing missing – actually – the biggest thing missing – was ME – that self importance of constant chatter which always dragged my attention elsewhere – so I was never actually HERE – in this MOMENT – in the NOW!!!

A deep sense of relaxation washed over my body.

And a grand voice said, “Welcome to Reality.”

Forgive me as words limit the description of what actually happened that day. Some of you might sense a direct transmission. Others please know I am failing greatly but trying my best to share.

Years later I came to realize that most of us only live in our psychological worlds. Each of our own psyche forms a unique world onto itself. We seem to keep a bubble around us and our thoughts and projections are private only to us. Most of our interactions are shallow interactions formed in a mind-word communication bridge. As if each of us walk through life with a mask on. That mask is not only on the face but all around us. It covers up who we truly are. We only share our masks with one another – and these masks are what we imagine ourselves to be – build by thoughts, prejudices, preferences, experiences, education, and the list goes on. So when we want to form a meaningful bond to feel the warm of another, yet our thick masks only allow us to get so close before we crash, hurt the other, or get hurt.

At that time in my life what was missing was a sense of depth I was hoping to find but didn’t know how to reach it.

I never married the man my parents adored – both of us did not have the ability to reach the soul level which demanded that we both drop our masks to show our true selves. We were the best adventure buddies but neither of us lived in Reality.

Like the book The Mastery of Love by Don Miguel Ruiz – we are all diseased – but since it is so normal no one really talks about it. Yet on the other side of the coin, all the world’s spiritual texts only point to one thing – to cure this disease – and to live happily in Reality once again.

March 16, 2023 Posted by | Self Realization | 1 Comment

Stages of Self Realization

Are you living your Best Life?
Free of anxiety?
Free of comparison?
Free of the need to be liked?

Are you living Your Life?
Uncompromising Serenity,
Unexpected Adventures,
Transcending All Challenges?

Are you living Life?
Flowing without Resistance,
Loving without Reservation,
Letting all Spontaneous Experiences happen Naturally?

Are you Life?
All happenings play and subside in You…
As you are the watcher, the non-doer, the stability of all movements.
You are the Light of Awareness that sees All.

You are LIFE

January 12, 2023 Posted by | Aikido Wisdom, Inner Growth, poetry, Self Realization | , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

See the Blessing in All Things

“When the world pushes you to your knees, you’re in the perfect position to pray.” – Rumi

During my teenage years, I struggled internally. Didn’t know where I fit in and who to model against, I had taken on some cool friendships that seemed exciting at the time but somehow led my inner world into a darker place. Feeling lost, I sat in a corner bookstore just to hide. And a tiny book fell on my lap being pushed from the other side. I picked up the tiny book and flipped through the pages.

That tiny book was called “Positive Charges : 544 Ways to Stay Upbeat During Downbeat Times.”

Contemplating through the pages, I started to feel a sense of hope as each simple phrase re-focused my mind to see things in a different perspective – a renewed light. There was a feeling of sparks of hope that perhaps I am able to overcome tough times.

Years later, as I became an aikido instructor, I repurchased this book so I could offer some positive charges for the kids and teens that felt lost like I did. What was the secret ingredient in this book? To help you see life’s challenges are not a curse, but opportunities to grow.

I’ve also noticed people who have trained in martial ways tend to be thankful for physical, emotional, and spiritual challenges while others tend to curse these blessings in disguise. In aikido, we use each experience (such as any oncoming attack) to train and strengthen ourselves. It has been incredible to watch the teenage black belts sincerely thanking an honest attack even when one fails to counter.

During my second degree black belt test, I was told to attack my partner with full force with a wooden knife when clearly he was exhausted and had no strength to move. I stabbed him repeatedly and whenever I was holding back, sensei yelled to charge fully. I watched myself “hurting” him and yet his attitude welcomed each attack as an opportunity to readjust his position. Until one full thrust where I thought I had gotten him in the solar plexus but only to discover myself had stabbed the air and fell completely into the void.

My repeated attacks allowed him to find a deeper stillness within himself, and he later described from that quiet place within, things somehow slowed down, and a pathway appeared in front of him and that was his salvation. From the bystanders perspective, he had shifted two inches to his left as I aimed slightly to the right (which didn’t require much strength on his part) and such tiny movement created a void for him to disappear from my attack.

Later as we shared a well-deserved Quebec celebration with beer and poutine, my partner quoted a famous Rumi saying, “Lorsque le monde vous met à genoux, vous êtes dans la position idéale pour prier.” We all laughed, and needless to say, sensei laughed the loudest.

Life happens for you – not against you.

January 8, 2023 Posted by | Self Realization | Leave a comment

Noise Reduction – Find Stability in Peace

The first book I picked up on meditation was a mistake. During my second year in college, I worked in a microcopy lab that needed a faint signal to be expressed when it was deeply polluted by electronic noise. In utter desperation, I went to UCSD book store and searched through the technical section on noise reduction. Most books I encountered were too thick to be useful quickly so I decided to reach for the thinnest book on the shelf.

As I flipped through the pages I noticed the book wasn’t about lock-in amplifiers, image processing, or high/low pass filters. The book’s illustrations were about the body/mind, how when sitting still one can reduce internal chatters and bring about peace and stability of wellbeing. And within that peace, life’s compass – the signal – can be revealed. Clearly the book was placed in the technical section by mistake. It probably belonged in the new age section. Somehow there was a deep urge to know more about this type of noise reduction and I made the purchase.

In the recent years, meditation has become the cornerstone for many schools, medical professionals, and spiritual seekers alike. Because of that particular technical book mistake, I was introduced to a different type of noise reduction than my limited outlook could’ve ever imagined.

Since college, I’ve noticed the noise in my mind from chatters, distracting music, repeating patterns, and even conversations with itself. The more I entertained the noise, the more pompous it became – until somehow I realized it had hijacked my attention and made a mess of my life.

This white noise we tend to take with us everywhere we go is seemingly non-threatening. Until one day it dawns on us that it has taken control of our whole inner world and we have diverged from reality. During a conversation with another, we don’t just share our words but we share our state of being. When our mind is filled with noise, we cannot truly hear another and be purely present. In daily activities, this background noise can sometimes get loud and distract our focus and tasks on hand. Sometimes when we find ourselves in the most pristine and beautiful places on earth, we can allow our mental noise to pollute the environment adding chaos no matter where we go. Even when we make love, when a certain amount of mental noise is present, we cannot be in true affection as the signal of love is covered up by layers of white noise.

The goal of all spiritual and martial practices is to have mastery over ourselves and one way is via noise reduction. In Aikido, we speak of mushin (無心), which often translated to as “no-mind” in Zen or Tao. In higher level practitioners, any mental noise can reduce one’s ability for pure perception, slow down reaction, and in turn be killed in a battle. The goal of this higher level practice is to find a place or inner stability – an equanimity that never leaves us no matter what external situations we face. Only in this inner stability, we are able to move through life without fear, without judgement, and always filled with a sense of grace and true contentment.

Just something to ponder on. Have you encountered the mental noise within yourself? Did this noise have an impact on your mental wellbeing? And did this noise have an impact on your overall life? My daily practice is the purification of the mind so real life can be revealed. I hope you too can join me on this path.

November 10, 2022 Posted by | Aikido Wisdom, Books, Self Realization | , , , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Where you go, There you are

In an attempt to run away from our miseries, we seek various ways to distract ourselves from deeper feelings. We submerge in endless music; stuff ourselves with food and alcohol; seek thrilling adventures; use games, drugs, sex; fill our minds with opinions after opinions; etc… The list goes on.

When the consciousness have had enough distracting experience, or when the emotions are in unbearable pain, then we start to seek something different, hope for something stable. We want happiness that is lasting, we yearn for the contentment that does not fade.

Have you noticed – no matter where you go, what you do, THERE YOU ARE!

I’m hang gliding over the pacific ocean. Photo by @flytpg

What does it mean?

Most of us are a bag of likes and dislikes, pain triggers governed by memories. Our memories reside in our heads, and emotions can be triggered at anytime by someone or something. We move in life as a ticking bomb waiting to go off. And this we carry with us no matter where we are, and no matter what we do. It is always the background noise trying to direct our conscious and unconscious decisions. In a way, we move as slaves to our past.

No matter where you go, no matter what you do, you carry this bag of burden with you. The load of karma.

I’ve seen some people jump into new relationships and end up repeating the same toxic patterns after the honeymoon phase wore off. I’ve seen others move to paradise thinking that is the way to their salvation but only to find themselves unhappy again. I’ve chatted with top photographers and best flying instructors only to find out their seeming achievements do not produce lasting happiness either.

Our karma holds us hostage. Only when carrying this bag of burden becomes too painful, do we ask ourselves the question, “how do we shed this burden, gain stability and find unfading contentment?”

Where you go, There you are.

Maybe the equation starts with the variable called “you”.

All the worlds religions and spirituality are pointing in the same direction – a place of stability where we can enter everlasting “heaven”. Then why only about one out of 15 million succeed? Perhaps the secret is we waste our energy looking outwardly instead of turning the attention within. Who is this “I”?

“Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”

– Carl Jung

“Find ecstasy within yourself. It is not out there. It is in your innermost flowering. The one you are looking for is you.”

– Osho

May 17, 2022 Posted by | Self Realization | Leave a comment

Live with Sensibility

As humans, do we intrude too much on the landscape? What gives a person the right to intrude on this place? I suppose the only thing you can say is that the quality of your presence here in this way, in order not to be voyeuristic or consumerist, has to slow down to the level of attention where you begin to come into the rhythm of the landscape, those incredible moments, where we almost catch the landscape out in conversation with itself.

Ferguson Bourke

In the past year, I’ve become more active on Instagram where people share their beautiful moments to uplift one another. Some influencers bring a sense of peace and respect to nature, while others are loud with grand gestures and would do anything to gain a following.

I remember one winter our family took some Japanese friends to visit Kings Canyon National Park right after a I remember one winter our family took some Japanese friends to visit Kings Canyon National Park right after a beautiful snowstorm. We walked on the path and took photos from ground level with a wide angle lens to creatively make it appear that we were a part of the giant sequoia trees. We saw a few girls giggling and dressed up, posed in the restricted zones so they could be in the untouched snow. I felt a sharp pain in my own body as they walked in the protected zone where new life can have a chance to grow. Our gentle comments were ignored and they went happily to get their best Instagram moments. As I’m writing this I can still feel the pain in my own body.

I’ve been watching, sensing, and feeling what could be a fix to end this increasing behavior in our popularized digital culture. And most fixes come too late in the game. As I could not stop these girls from trespassing, we can not stop the city from developing a road going through precious wetlands once it has already been set in motion. The tendencies leading to the behaviors are already written.

Then what are we to do?

Nowadays, medical practice recognizes “preventive medicine”. This is a giant leap forward in progressive thinking. Not only should we think in terms of medicine, but we should also think in terms of preventive medicine – for the environment. To stop the tendency in ourselves that causes the belief that we are entitled to this land, that we are entitled to act in ways that could hurt others, and that we alone are the kings of this planet.

The only way to apply preventive medicine is to raise human consciousness to the level beyond selfish gains, personal inconveniences, and un-holy thinking. What I mean by holy is the sense of oneness – our connections to each other, to our environment, to the planet, galaxy and beyond. Before making another purchase we must ask ourselves “is this sensible?” Before tossing out the old shoes instead of fixing them we must think of the impact of our actions on the environment. I still wear that same little black dress I purchased when I was 18. I have clothes from my college days. And I do donate the items that no longer fit. But I do remember in my early 20s, I went through a phase of having a personal shopper and didn’t wear the same outfit twice. It was only through the gift of a decade of near-poverty after my near-death experience that I realized  I didn’t need much to enjoy life. And these early days of living large with endless consumerism was not living sensibly for myself and for the environment. Nowadays I enjoy simplicity with a small carbon footprint.

We ourselves must be the answer. We must elevate ourselves to a higher level of mindful awareness. When we can treat ourselves with respect, then we can treat others as ourselves, and the planet as our own bodies. We need less showing off and more true sensibility. Can we be a part of the solution?

July 30, 2021 Posted by | World Transformation | , , , , , | Leave a comment

Divorce the Mind, Marry the Heart

Don’t be a storehouse of memories.

Leave past, future and even present thoughts aside.

Be a witness to the life unfolding by itself.

– Mooji

Words are melting aways in recent times.

Where keeping track of time, dates; analyzing what is happening become too daunting.

This life transforms into one homogenous soup of Love unfolding.

Too beautiful for words.

Too transcendental for understanding.

Life Unfolding is ALWAYS unassisted by your personal self.

Be free of all attachments, fears and concerns by keeping your mind inside your own heart.

Rest in being.

Like this, life is always fresh and imbued with pure joy and timeless presence.

– Mooji

The mind fixates and grabs on to what did happen and tries to predict what will happen as if life depends on attachments, reactions, and projections.

It is always looking for an answer, asking questions of the past, future; and tossing rocks into the perfectly harmonious unfolding river of life.

It is old, wrinkled, and stale.

The heart floats in emptiness – absent of chattering – as the fulfilled emptiness.

It is never in the wrong place.

It is beyond time and space.

It doesn’t ask questions, but flows with the moment with every breath.

It is forever young, fresh, and timeless.

I’ve divorced the mind and married the heart.

Now the mind is tamed, inside the heart, melting into Eternal Love…

July 14, 2021 Posted by | Self Realization | 2 Comments

Your Light

Don’t Cover Your Light

Dear Beloved, don’t be shy to share your light. For you are made of stardust – the very essence of God.

Dear Beloved, don’t cover up your scars. In them live the shimmering beauty carved in every soul.

Dear Beloved, don’t be concerned with stature. For that devoid of genuine substance only illusory in nature.

For I, can only love you for you. Not your covering, not your wage, not your dwelling, nor your pretense.

A charade of the strayed path is no concern of mine.

For I can only love you for you. For your inner beauty, for your kind heart, for your pure spirit, for your loving light.

October 10, 2020 Posted by | Self Realization | Leave a comment

My Childhood Friend

My best friend was the boy next door. He was two years older than the three year old me when we first met. He taught me to draw on white walls, climb up trees, and read tiny little philosophy books. We lived in our own world and had our own language just through our glances. His family introduced me to black coffee, steak tartare and sushi while my parents could barely afford enough rice.

I’ve always loved him.

Years later when I moved to the United States I had forgotten about him. In my 30s I went to visit my hometown and ran into his dad. With deteriorating eyes, the old professor was still able to spot me at a distance. He put his arm around me as we walked and told me that I was the daughter-in-law he wished he had. He then waved to his new wife to greet us. I remember her well, and I remember wondering how at 20 years younger she became his third wife. She was well known in the community as the loud-mouth, and whenever she was speaking, I felt as if she were screaming angrily yet with joyful excitement. Such contradictions, that creature.   

They invited me for tea in their home. She then showed me photos of her soon to be daughter-in-law and protested the upcoming union.

“She is just pretty, white skin and long black hair. But there’s nothing inside!” The third wife screamed at me, waving the photos. “When she comes over to stay with us her long black hair sheds everywhere – on the floor, clogging up my shower, and it even lands in our sacred art studio!”

I looked down, into my teacup, and noticed the floating leaves. Fresh, light, and fragrant. I didn’t say anything.

“We saw your art exhibition! It’s interesting how your style is completely unrelated to your exposure at this Art Institute you grew up in! Forgetting your roots. Must be all that Western influence you received. Still, we wish you were our daughter-in-law!” She noticed my quietness against her own intensity, “I see your Chinese communication is subpar. Anyway, I know the press is coming tomorrow with TV stations and newspaper reporters so I’ve asked my son to prepare you for the interviews. He’s coming to pick you up.”


My heart was pounding…

I haven’t seen him since I was 12 and I have scars he has never seen. I would rather go on – never having him see me – for the rest of my life.

I’ve aged. I’ve gotten damaged. I’ve never found a deep personal love who was willing to marry me. I’m what the Chinese people call a disappointing “Leftover Woman”.

But now it has just become too late, the door opened and there he was…

“Ba, Ma, Maple.” He called out to my childhood name like no time had passed since we were together. He walked toward me and sat beside me, “sorry I was late, I went by your art exhibition first before coming here. Very unique, like you.”

I smiled. He smiled. That gaze, the lingering glance, our separate worlds reunited.

We walked in the misty rain along the cobblestone road lined with green, yellow, and orange leafed maple trees. “I love when the cold breeze and the rain combine forces, I can feel it in my bones,” he smiled. He’s always so calming, gentle, and mysterious. We walked and walked like time never existed. I felt myself floating yet miraculously grounded. I too felt the rain and the breeze as an invitation to feel the forces of pure existence. Most people never open that invitation and just toss the gift aside. Likewise, I’ve lived closed off from existence for way too long… 

We walked up 6 flights of stairs as the rain began to darken. His apartment was well-lit but small – kitchen, dinning room, bedroom, and another room used as an art studio. I stood in the doorway of his art studio as he pulled down the dusty white coversheet to unveil his new work. I can smell the oil painting still fresh in the air.

Nude, pure rosy white skin, long black hair flowing in the wind. Expressionless. A bit cold, yet mysteriously alluring.

“This is my wife, we marry next month.” He stared off into the corner of the room, “my dad couldn’t comprehend why I fell in love. I guess I’ve always chased the inexplicable.”

I didn’t say anything and walked back to the dinning room and sat down. “So what type of work do you do now?” I was curious why he didn’t live on campus at the Art Institute as most of the children of the elite professors such as his dad also pursued professorships within the institution.

“I teach oil painting and philosophy at City College.” He sat across the small table, “of course my dad does not approve. He has always chased fame, money, and status. For me, I just want freedom.” 

I nodded. Remembering that steak tartare and fancy sushi were never my choice of lunch as a child.

We went on to discuss fractals and how it became became a profound expression of art for me. The chaos, the order, the intricacies, the universal patterns, the self resemblance. I’ve told him each of the pieces came to me as a divine gift – not of my own creation – each distinctively poignantly dictated by a higher intelligence. I’ve used it as a guidance system for my personal evolution.

“Yes, you are beginning to tap into the big ME and letting go of the little ME.” He lowered his voice and sounded so much like his dad lecturing. “Most people live their entire life or lives in the little ME and never expect or let alone imagine a way out. That’s the chaos in the fractal. Order only emerges when you zoom out into the big ME space. Fractals are a mirror into the infinite boundless zoomed-out space where only the big ME exists and the little ME is only a tiny approximation of the whole.”

Without the need to understand his wistful philosophy, I saw the excitement in his eyes, and from there I was momentarily transported into that unlimited existence.

“Just like you and me. We grew up together as little MEs. You believed you were you and I was me. When you moved away I was mourning and later realized you still remain a part of me. Like I was always a part of you. No time or distance can ever erase the you in me, and the me in you. Now that’s the expansion into the big ME.” I was lost in his words and instead reached into the feelings, “In all of the world’s philosophy and religion there’s a unified goal of explaining the obscure, the thing you may call Love, God, or big ME that’s always there, somewhat felt but unseen. Your fractal art is a doorway leading us into the big ME by zapping you instantaneously with the shapes and colors and beauty so you have no choice but to forget the little ME – even if just for an instant.”

Four hours passed like a single eternity. Just for an instant, I realized that he had given me more than just interview preparation, he had given me himself, that self which has always been a part of me…

September 13, 2020 Posted by | Self Realization | Leave a comment

Follow Your Heart?

What does it actually mean – Follow Your Heart?

Is it an emotional experience?

Is it an anti-logical approach to life?

Or is it an intuitive relationship with your inner guidance (Your God-Consciousness)?

Whenever I tell people I can only follow my heart, few actually understand what I mean. They quickly jump into their own conclusion and place what they believe to be true onto my words. 

One man in particular, he asked to do a promotional video to feature me and I graciously declined. It wasn’t due to arrogance or disrespect towards him, nor due to any laziness or self-consciousness on my part, I just did not feel the pull towards that task. Each time he would ask, I would check-in, be still and intuitively feel. In fact, when I become quiet enough to truly feel, there is no energy nor a current flow into that direction. Even as I picture myself trying to get started on helping him, I get tired instantly. This is the point where I make a choice, do I continue to ignore my intuitive knowing or do I follow the guidance? 

I do realize that most people are like my early 20s self, who chose to ignore intuition and instead would act mostly from psychological cues produced in the mind. If someone asked me to attend a social function, instead of feeling if I would like to go or if there’s a current pulling me that direction, I would quickly enter into a psychological debate listing all the pros and cons. 

Pros – if I go I can dress up, I can eat yummy food, I can see my friends, I can network with more people, I might meet someone who can help me with my venture, etc…

Cons – I don’t have anything to wear, I might not fit in, I have a paper due the next day, I don’t have enough gas, My ex might show up at the same function, etc…

God knows I’ve mostly chosen the logical approach. Only by making the same mistakes over and over again, I realized that sometimes I just don’t feel like going – AND I don’t know why!


Now THAT has tremendous power. We are conditioned by society to always have to give an excuse when choosing the unpopular option. Yet oftentimes, intuitive power works in such a way that a “why” is never revealed. Hence the term “Follow Your Heart” – we opt-out of having to explain or make up excuses. This is when we often mix “heart” with “emotions” and become confused with the emotional-psychological reactions. Note, “heart” does not equate with “emotions”. To be able to sense a true intuitive guidance, we must become empty.

In the spiritual sense, there is a purity to “Follow Your Heart” – a vast space, a clear seeing, an equanimity in feeling. God-Consciousness is just such – to break out of the psychological chatters and enter into a vast space of clear seeing. 

I urge you to always “Follow Your Heart” – this is the only way to be in harmony with the greater existence – it asks you to step outside of limiting ego-self and step into the vast openness of God-Consciousness.


When one realizes God, He grants knowledge and illumination from within; one knows it oneself. In the fullness of one’s spiritual realization one will find that He who resides in one’s heart, resides in the hearts of others as well. – Teachings of Sri Ramakrishna

July 19, 2020 Posted by | Emotional Freedom, Enlightenment, Inner Growth | , , , , , | Leave a comment